World Cup 2010: RTE’s ‘Golden Generation’ Analysts Crash Out Of World Cup Ratings War
Posted on | July 7, 2010
Giles and Souness squabble over who was the hardest as a
player.
Football pundit Ronnie Whelan has admitted RTE’s panel need to have a “good look at themselves in the mirror” following their disappointing performance analysing this year’s World Cup.
RTE were knocked off the top of the ratings after losing out to the BBC in the coverage of Holland’s semi-final clash with Uruguay.
Since the tournament began last month, the much-trumpeted Golden Generation, featuring analysts John Giles, Eamon Dunphy and Liam Brady, have come under much criticism from both fans and the press for their percieved luckluster performances.
“We weren’t up to scratch during Ireland’s recent friendlies against Algeria and Paraguay,” admits Whelan. “Preparation was non-existent but we were confident our form would return before the start of the World Cup proper.”
However the top level analysis we have seen from this team in the past failed to materialize and punditry on the group stage matches was rife with lapses of concentration and indecision, leading to increased petty squabbling amongst the panel at crucial moments.
A new low was reached when a hungover Dunphy vomited over the desk halfway through a poorly conceived rant about the merits of Paraguay and Japan in their second round meeting.
Critics claim that a level of complacency had been creeping into the RTE punditry for some months now, and that the overpaid and overindulged superstar panelists had let pre-tournament hype go to their heads. Read more
World Cup 2010: FIFA Expel Japanese Midfielder Honda In ‘Ambush Marketing’ Ploy
Posted on | June 28, 2010
Footballer Keisuke Honda (right) has been controversially sent home from the World Cup in what FIFA have described as “a grossly vile attempt by the player at scoring an advantage for his nameske company”.
The 24-year old midfielder’s expulsion comes after attempts by football’s governing body and the Japanese FA to work out a compromise broke down yesterday evening.
A spokesman for FIFA confirmed that the Japanese football federation was approached with suggested alternative names for the player, including Keisuke Kia, Keisuke Hyundai, Keisuke Kia/Hyundai and Keisuke Sony.
When all these suggestions were rejected by the player, due to what FIFA described as “some misguided sense of honour and family loyalty” they took the step of calling for the player to be withdrawn.
This development follows the removal of a group of 36 Dutch women from the crowd of Holland’s match against Denmark at Soccer City Stadium in Johannesburg two weeks ago after a supposed “ambush marketing” campaign.
The girls were arrested by the South African police, resulting in worldwide coverage of the event and massive amounts of advertising for Bavaria Beer – Holland’s Premium Beer™ – at the expense of the other one…you know, the one that pays millions to FIFA every year to advertise with them.
Though the controversy is still ongoing, some online conspiracy theorists have already put forward alternative motives for FIFA’s actions. One member of the internet community boredom.ie suggested that FIFA wanted to scupper any chance Japan might have of actually winning the World Cup by removing one of the team’s free-kick specialists. Read more
World Cup 2010: 85th Minute Kaka Flush Fails To Scutter Brazil
Posted on | June 21, 2010
Despite the sending off classy Brazil proved they are the shit.
Brazil 3 – 1 Côte d’Ivoire
In the bowels of Soccer City last night Brazil booked their place in the second round of the World Cup after a comfortable, if uninspiring, win over Ivory Coast.
Despite Kaka’s controversial sending off the Samba Boys had too much for their opponents – this result effectively dumping the West Africans out of the tournament.
Manager Dunga opted to stick with the same team from their opening match, meaning under fire forward Turdinho kept his place in the Brazilian attack.
Speculation suggested 19-year old Gicki, rising star of Brazilian club Excremento, would be handed his World Cup debut in the wake of the Premier League striker’s recent dry spell.
Bad form towards the business end of last season led to Turdinho being dropped from Arsenal’s starting eleven.
With Kaka playing in the hole behind the front two, Brazil were looking for more cutting edge than they showed against North Korea.
The game started slowly, threatening at points to descend into one of the ponderous matches that have so far defined this World Cup. That came to an end in the twenty-fifth minute as Dudu squeezed through the Ivorian defence laying the ball on for a viciously struck Luis Diarria goal. Read more
Barry Chuckle’s Corpse Exhumed To Confirm Death
Posted on | June 16, 2010
Barry ‘Chuckle’ Elliott OBE shortly before his
passing in 2008.
The body of Barry Chuckle has been exhumed today amid what the Chuckle family have called “horribly upsetting rumours” about the comedian being alive and well.
Rumours surfaced this week in the British Sun, claiming that Barry was in fact refuting claims he had passed away two years ago and was happily living in Rotherham.
Since then the story has gotten widely out of hand, with one Barry impostor even going so far as to set up a fake twitter page, to tweet to gullible young fans of the BBC show saying that he is Barry Chuckle and he is “glad to be alive”.
Barry’s brother Paul has said the media storm has made him feel ill: “I can’t believe any person would find it funny to say that Barry is alive, what’s funny about that? People today just want to make it into the papers, that’s all they care about, controversy! They don’t care who they hurt. Our mother is 115 years old, she doesn‘t need this shit.”
Two years ago Gubuwire broke the news that shook the comedy world – that Barry had died of a heart attack in a brothel in Belfast. Despite this, a recent poll on Sky News showed that a massive 76% of Britons believe Barry is in full health. Read more
Jedward Cancel Israeli Concert In Flotilla Deaths Protest
Posted on | June 9, 2010
Pop stars John and Edward Grimes have pulled out of a concert in Israel due to what they descibed as “concerns over the Israeli-Palestinian conflict”.
The twin brothers, together known as ‘Jedward’, were due to perform later this summer in Tel Aviv, but have cancelled in the wake of last week’s attack on the Gaza-bound aid flotilla.
The Lucan natives, who came to prominence on Britain’s X-Factor talent show, claimed their decision was taken after an “intense period of moral contemplation” and that the nine flotilla killings were “the last straw”.
They were due to perform as part of the Heebapalooza pop music festival in August.
In October of last year Jedward took leave from the X-Factor boot camp to attend a lecture in Trinity College by US academic Noam Chomsky – despite the disapproval of Simon Cowell.
Their statement today said: “Performing in Israel in the current climate may be interpreted by some as a highly political act, symbolically speaking.
“For this reason we saw no other alternative than to cancel the upcoming event on the grounds of our deep opposition to the policies of the current Israeli government specifically regarding their treatment of the Palestinian people in the Occupied Territories and beyond.”
They also apologised to sponsors and event organisers, before going on to acknowledge the deep mutual affection between the be-quiffed brothers and their “loyal” Israeli fans.
“We would hope they understand that in making this gesture our quarrel is not with them but with IDF war criminals and their allies in the disgraced Netanyahu administration. Read more
Weapons, Drugs, Other Cool Shit Seized In Kildare
Posted on | June 2, 2010
Holy shit! Look at that!
Gardaí investigating a criminal gang have seized two loaded rocket launchers, six pump-action shotguns, €500,000-worth of cocaine and loads of other deadly shit in a warehouse in Co. Kildare.
The sight of the top-of-the-range weaponry and class-A drugs provoked gasps of awe in the officers who discovered the illicit treasure at Longtime House close to Punchestown.
The Army bomb disposal squad who were called out were also deeply impressed by the lethal stash.
Gardaí from the Organised Crime Unit were giddy with excitement as they raided the premises in a follow-up search after two Al Pacino wannabes were arrested yesterday.
The men, who were picked up in a vehicle on the Clane Road yesterday, informed Gardaí of the sensational stash of drugs and shooters hidden nearby.
A follow up search in the Rathcoole area most likely prevented the occurance of a massive coke-fueled shoot-out in the lobby of some garishly decorated mansion between rival gangsters each armed with two AK’s in both hands.
It is understood the arrests and seizures are connected to a Dublin gang whose members probably all have nicknames like Billy the Mermaid, the Fat Controller, the VIP, Specky Bastard O’Rourke and such.
Fine Gael’s justice spokesman Charlie Flanagan said the discovery of the illegal items was “an amazing reminder” of some of the coolest gangster films ever made.
“This find proves that our home grown criminals nowadays are on a par with Joe Pesci in Goodfellas and De Niro in The Untouchables in their over-the-top viciousness. And that’s kind of cool in a way, isn’t it?”
Justice Minister Dermot Ahern concurred by pointing out the dramatic potential of the story:
“I actually think a really great film about this feud is just waiting to be made. It’d be absolutely brilliant – with all the guns and drugs and violence and shit. Just think – ‘say hello to me little buddy’, and then BANG-BANG-BANG! Blood everywhere…
“You could see Colin Farrell in it, couldn’t you? Just wasting motherfuckers left, right and centre – it’d be rapid!”
Back Injury Scuppers Bono’s £50 Million Manchester City Transfer
Posted on | May 25, 2010
Only days after undergoing emergency surgery for a back injury U2 singer Bono was hit with the news that his proposed move to Manchester City has been scrapped.
A posting on the band’s website today confirmed negotiations with the big-spending Premier League club had been “put on hold”.
“Bono has left hospital today to begin recuperation of his back problem. Needless to say, his scheduled medical at the City of Manchester Stadium next month will not be going ahead.
“He is disappointed that talks have broke down but right now his main concern is regaining full fitness,” the statemant said.
The 50-year old frontman was being lined up as replacement goalkeeper for compatriot Shay Given after the Donegal man sustained a broken shoulder in a Premier League match in April. Read more
Traveller Brawl Enters Twentieth Month
Posted on | May 17, 2010
Scenes like this have continued non-stop for
over a year-and-a-half.
A riot involving up to 3000 Travellers lasting over a year and a half has left a small town terrified and bereft of hope.
Petrol bombs, cudgels, rocks, hurleys, shovels, baseball bats, hatchets, iron bars, and even swords have been used in an ongoing disturbance at Colmstown, Co. Westmeath.
The violence between two feuding Traveller clans began back in August 2008 and shows no sign of abating.
In scenes reminiscent of the Battle of the Somme or Stalingrad, the brawl in the normally peaceful estate is believed to have kicked off in late August but intensified around early 2009 when up to 1000 reinforcements for both sides converged on the Colmstown area.
Residents are said to be “up to their arse in anger” at the lack of Garda support for the community.
It is believed the dispute is between the two great Traveller dynasties, the Maughans of Mayo and the Dooleys of Galway. The cause of the rivalry has been lost in the mists of time – mostly due to the lack of written history in Traveller culture – however, some say it dates back as far as the 17th century.
This latest eruption of violence is understood to have its roots in an incident which occured days before the brawl in which one of the feuding parties is believed to have ‘fought like a woman’ during a bare-knuckle boxing match – something strictly forbidden in gypsy combat.
An initial force of Gardaí arrived on the scene when violence broke out but were quickly repelled by a 30-strong party of brawlers believed to be made up of men from both the Maughan and Dooley factions who temporarily teamed up to resist Garda interference. Read more
Head Of Iceland’s Kaupthing Bank To Be Sacrificed To Volcano
Posted on | May 10, 2010
A TV crew scouts for the best angle ahead of Saturday’s big
event.
Hreidar Mar Sigurdsson, former Chief Executive of Kaupthing Bank – who was arrested on Wednesday on charges of embezzlement, falsifying documents and stock and bond trading violations – will be thrown into the gaping maw of the erupting Eyjafjamibob volcano if found guilty, special prosecutor Olafur Thor Hauksson has announced.
During the press conference, at which the announcement was delivered to a cheering crowd, he admitted that the punishment was somewhat unusual, but that “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
“We haven’t had a single complaint from any human rights group,” he called over his shoulder, as he was carried away on the shoulders of celebrating citizens to the strains of the national anthem.
The inventive method of dealing with Mr. Sigurdsson was devised by vulcanologist Dr. Eysteinn Helgarson of Reykjavik University.
“In the past, Western Europeans, and – I am ashamed to say – Scandinavians in particular, have often looked at remote tribes sacrificing people to volcanoes and thought “my, how primitive!”, he exclaimed, giggling hysterically behind an enormous desk, buried deep within the bowels of the university.
“What they don’t realize is that such practices are often grounded in a kernel of sense. There is overwhelming evidence to suggest that if you add a certain amount of carbon – let’s say for the sake of argument, the amount of carbon in Mr. Sigurdsson’s body – it will have a neutralizing effect, pacifying the volcano as it were and stopping the eruption. I thought, ‘hey, that will kill two birds with one stone’.” Read more
EU To Sacrifice A PIG In Mooted ‘Bad Country’ Plan
Posted on | May 2, 2010
The big bad wolf Jean-Claude Trichet
In a shock move the European Central Bank (ECB) has announced plans for a ‘bad country’ approach as a solution to current euro-zone wos.
It has not yet been decided which of the PIGS will be sent to economic Coventry for the foreseeable future but insiders suggest it has been short-listed to three: Portugal, Ireland or Greece.
Spain will be spared from this fate due to the fact Jean-Claude Trichet, president of the ECB, is an avid supporter of Barcelona FC.
This scheme would involve all the non-performing or, in technical terms, “shit” assets and companies being transferred to the designated bad country.
According to Trichet, the economy of the unfortunate nation “may experience a short term boost in the form of increased employment in the toxic banks and financial services themselves…”
“In the long term, however, the collective national incompetence will inevitably lead to a new, but contained, economic meltdown thus saving the euro and the economies of the other EU members without the Germans having to bail everyone out. Well that’s the plan anyway.”
EU president Herman Van Rompuy has called on all eurozone leaders to outline the comprehensive plan needed to deal with illiquid assets burdening the banks’ balance sheets and that the bad country idea had gone beyond the “seduction stage” and that authorities were nearing the “climax point.” Read more
