The Gosspot… with Tabitha Spane
Posted on | May 7, 2008
Derren Brown reads his own mind… and discovers
he’s gay!
Hey now, filthy rumour junkies! Are you ready for another needle-full of golden brown scandal?
Well pull up your sleeves and start slapping your arm to bring up that gossip vein cos I have the good shit right here, and it’ll be sure to have you goofing off for the next six hours!
Well I’m delighted to announce that Britain’s most useless celebrity (no, not Jade Goody – meeow!) Peaches Geldof has been caught on tape taking part in a drug deal. Shock horror!
Little Miss Pablo Escobar was quoted saying that her friends do drugs but she doesn’t as she’s “not stupid”. Well I guess that makes you STUPID then, doesn’t it you snotty talentless tramp! Here’s hoping she gets the death penalty… ah only joking Peach pudding! Let’s do lunch sometime. Just salad for me thanks!
In Brazil, footballer Ronaldo (no not the hot greasy one that plays for Man Utd) is still trying to explain his way out of his ‘encounter’ with those three ladyboys posing as female prostitutes!
The gap-toothed goalscorer now claims he knew they were men all along and only hired them for a “kick about” as he’s back training and wants to regain his fitness. Well, handling six balls all at once would certainly hone his skills the dirty get! Burn!
Meanwhile, human car crash Pete Doherty was released from prison yesterday after serving only 29 days of a 14-week sentence (!) Good for you Peter, not so good for the rest of society, ey?
Never mind being a skag hag, how he hasn’t been locked up for life for that aural mush he calls music I’ll never know. Well don’t get too used to life on the outside Pete, something tells me you’ll be back behind bars in no time, you dopey fiend!
On the Kerry Katona front, she’s still a fat coke head married to a rat-faced drug dealing scumbag! Celebrities lead such amazing lives, don’t they? *sigh* But I just can’t get enough of MTV‘s Crazy in Love, a show even more nauseating than Dirty Sanchez. But it’s still my all time favourite TV show of, like, all time! Go Kerry! Go Kerry!
In gay news, Derren Brown has just recently ‘decloseted’ himself, and I’d just like to say, well done Derren, you’re so brave! I can’t wait for your new magic trick, when you make a sausage disappear! Meeeow!
Other gay news, Phillip Schofield is now officially gay, as is the case with Steven Morrissey. However, as of today, neither Sol Campbell nor Lennox Lewis are gay – according to their lawyer. Hmm… they have the same lawyer? Curious!
Dating news now, and Lily Allen has been seen in London Zoo kicking and punching Shakin’ Stevens, Terry Wogan is seeing (and touching presumably) Betty from Coronation Street, Jennifer Aniston is bonking the elderly Jon Voight, while Arnold Schwarzenegger has been sexually harassing Laura Bush… again.
Oh you could do so much better than her Arnie – with, I dunno, someone like… me! Oh yeah, foxy fascists do it for me every time!
Well that’s your lot for now. May your celebrity-inspired cold turkey be as bearable as possible! Until next time, buh-bye!
