‘Drugs To Blame For Drug Deaths’ Says Enda Kenny
Posted on | February 8, 2008
Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny has slammed drugs in a hard-hitting speech to the Dáil this morning. Mr Kenny explained how he holds “all drugs, not just some drugs, but all drugs responsible for every single drugs-related death in this country”.
As he issued this stinging attack, his opposite number Bertie Ahern slept in his seat.
Mr Kenny outlined his party’s outrage at the country’s drug problem in a forty minute diatribe: “Let it be known now – drugs are to blame for these drug deaths. Of that I have no doubt, and whether it is in my own constituency or any other part of the country I will not stop until all drugs are hunted down and halted in their murderous rampage! I’m deadly serious here.”
As he spoke, Mr Kenny’s face became more purple and contorted with righteous disgust: “This government can’t deny it any longer, they have failed in stopping drugs from doing their evil work on every street corner in Ireland! This is a wholly serious situation, one in which the much-vaunted new powers of the Gardaí have done little to improve…
Despite being nudged by Minister for Justice Brian Lenihan several times during his rival’s speech, Mr Ahern struggled to remain conscious throughout.
“Have these new powers stopped Junior Cert students smoking coke behind their school’s bicycle sheds? No. Have they stopped hoodie-wearing deviants from sniffing a crack at a rave in some field somewhere? No. Have they stopped foreign pimps from forcing LSD on innocent Irish girls to bring them under their control? The answer, of course, is no.”
“Not only have things not improved,” continued Mr Kenny, “but they have in fact gotten worse! Is the Dáil aware that in some areas of Dublin one can purchase ecstasies for as little as €1 a joint?
As he spoke, the Fine Gael leader’s words prompted incoherent mumblings of agreement from opposition deputies and incomprehensible murmurings of disapproval from government benches.
“Now, thanks to Brian Lenihan, most of our schoolchildren are drugged up on snow and weeds, as are the teachers – even OAPs are getting off their faces on shit! The Irish voters are so bunged up on drugs that they can’t even talk up for themselves.”
Although his attack was aimed at the Minister for Justice, Mr Kenny became so enraged at Mr Ahern’s ever more flippant attitude, he suddenly screamed “Wake up you fat git! I’m making a really serious point here!” At this point the Ceann Comhairle John O’Donohue warned Mr Kenny to keep his voice down while the Taoiseach slept or he would be forced to throw the Fine Gael leader out of the chamber.
Said Mr O’Donohue: “Deputy Kenny will keep his voice down while the Taoiseach sleeps, or I’ll give you a toe up the hole! Bertie had a heavy night last night and he’s knackered so he is… ah look at him, isn‘t he only brilliant”.
With order returned, Brian Lenihan stood to reply to Mr Kenny’s statement. “First off I would like to ask the Deputy whereabouts you can get E for only €1? That’s an unbelievably cheap price for a yoke. Though I’d imagine if they’re only a yo-yo a pop then they’re probably crap quality and you’d have to take about 15 pills to get any buzz off them. So to complain about them being really inexpensive is missing the point…
“How or never – I would still strongly urge all young men not to take illegal drugs, they are extremely bad for your health,” said the minister.
When pressed by Labour’s Jan O’Sullivan to make the same appeal to young women, Mr Lenihan replied: “Well, I actually haven’t looked into the evidence regarding the effects of drugs on young women, so at this point I simply don’t know whether they would affect a girl’s health negetively – for all I know it could be good for them. So until I look into that, I won’t be saying any such thing. I don’t believe I have the authority for that kind of appeal at this moment in time…”
Regarding Mr Ahern’s behaviour in the Dáil today, one of the his aides later provided an explanation: “Well, last night the parliamentary party went out for a few pints after work, as they always do on Thursdays. And Fridays. And most Tuesdays. And Saturdays if there’s weekend business…
“You see, Brian Cowen challenged the Taoiseach to a drinking competition and of course the Taoiseach beat him hands down. So naturally the Taoiseach was a little worse for wear this afternoon.”
However it has been alleged that at some point during the revelries Mr Cowen ‘freaked out’ – in the words of one witness – and has not been seen since. His chauffeur reported that the Tánaiste was not at home when he arrived to collect him this morning, hence Mr Cowen’s absence from the Dáil during the angry exchanges today.
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