Paisley Announces Plan To Complete Giant’s Causeway
Posted on | January 17, 2008
The DUP’s Ian Paisley Jnr revealed to the media today his party’s plan to finish the building of the Giant’s Causeway. The famous landmark had been intended as a stone bridge to Scotland by it’s original builder Fionn McCool, but was never completed.
Said Mr Paisley – “It has always been the DUP’s intention, if and when we got into power, to finish the construction of the Giant’s Causeway. We believe this project would be a marvelous way to demonstrate to the outside world that Northern Ireland has finally become a modern, forward-thinking state.
“For centuries, the conflict on our island has hindered the building of ambitious, large-scale public works, or else left them incomplete or in ruin. With peace finally achieved, we can now make progress in this important area – starting with the Giant’s Causeway.
“Of course, an inexpensive and accessible land bridge to Scotland would also strengthen our social and cultural ties with the mainland.” he added.
However, the project has been mired in controversy ever since it was first mooted during the St Andrew’s Agreement negotiations a year ago.
A leaked document from those meetings revealed that the plan was to flatten the existing interlocking basalt columns in order to accommodate a toll road that would be part of the completed causeway.
This sparked outrage among heritage and archaeological groups, as well as a significant proportion of the general public, who argued that the differing height of the hexagonal columns was what made the Giant’s Causeway unique.
Further scandal erupted earlier this week when a former civil servant of the Northern Assembly told of how Prime Minister Gordon Brown was duped by the DUP into authorising the project late last year.
“Mr Brown was led to believe he was meeting the First Minister himself, Ian Paisley Snr.” claimed the ex-civil servant. “But unbeknownst to him, it was Ian Jnr whom he actually met. Beforehand, Jnr had borrowed one of his father’s suits, put on a grey wig and glasses and entered the meeting using a walking stick.
“Before the talks began, Ian Jnr, doing his best Ian Snr voice, told the PM that he liked to do a little exercise before negotiations, and out of the blue he threw away his walking stick, back-flipped onto the floor and did fifty press-ups in front of an astonished Brown!
“Needless to say, this giant of Scottish politics was so intimidated by this apparently superhuman 81-year-old Northern Irish politician that he immediately agreed to all of his demands.
“I definitely think Fionn McCool himself would’ve admired his cunning negotiation tactics.”
So far, both the DUP and Ian Paisley Jnr have denied any wrongdoing in the matter.
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