Bush Invades Abu Dhabi For The Attention
Posted on | January 15, 2008
US President George Bush invaded the city of Abu Dhabi earlier today in an apparent attempt to gain the attention of the world’s media.
Mr Bush and a team of heavily-armed Secret Service agents captured the capital of the United Arab Emirates over the course of one afternoon, in what has already been regarded as an extreme act of foreign policy attention-seeking.
Mr Bush is currently in the middle of an extensive tour of the Middle East as part of his plan to solve the Arab/Israeli conflict before his term as President comes to an end in a year’s time.
Despite this ambitious, potentially historic goal, his Middle East venture has not received the worldwide media coverage that the President might have expected.
The US media in particular have displayed scant interest in the trip. Instead, press coverage there has been dominated by the Democratic and Republican primaries that will determine the nominees for the Presidential election later this year.
Frustrated by the insufficient media coverage, “in a fit of pique”, Mr Bush decided to take over the Emirates Centre for Strategic Studies and Research (ECSSR) building where he had just given a speech on the threat posed by Iran and its nuclear ambitions.
This had been intended as the keynote speech of the tour, but according to Presidential aides, there was a distinct lack of enthusiasm from the surprisingly small number of Western journalists present.
“That really was the last straw for the President” an unnamed source within Mr Bush’s entourage told us. “He’s been so used to being the centre of world attention for the last eight years, that when he sees a half empty auditorium with a couple of reporters visibly trying to stay awake during his speech, he’s bound to blow his top.”
As he walked off stage to less-than-deafening applause, Mr Bush was overheard saying “those assholes want something newsworthy? I’ll give them newsworthy.” With that the President went straight to his head of security, where they engaged in a “heated” exchange before the agent finally nodded in acquiescence and handed his gun over to Mr Bush.
Witnesses then described how Mr Bush grabbed a nearby American flag and ran up the stairs to the roof of the building, shouting, “The invasion has begun! The invasion has begun! Follow me, your Commander-In-Chief needs you!”
On reaching the roof, the President enthusiastically waved the flag back and forth, while firing off rounds from the gun and screaming at the top of his lungs “USA! USA! USA! USA!”
“It was completely crazy of course,” said a White House aide, “but when I saw him there waving the Stars and Stripes under the scorching sun, I suppose the patriotic bug just got me and I joined in. We all did. It certainly woke them sleepy journalists up, I can tell you!”
From there, the President and a hastily assembled army of Secret Service men, political advisers, press officers, drivers, cooks, and sniffer dogs went on to capture the Qasr al-Hosn Palace, the seat of the Abu Dhabi government. Encountering little resistance, Mr Bush was able to give a victory speech one hour after storming the building:
“My fellow Americans, no doubt many of you are wondering why we have just invaded — I mean liberated Abu Dhabi. Well, you see… em… just hours earlier I received reliable information that, eh… Al Qaeda were — no, not Al Qaeda, Iranian agents were planning to do something terrible here, y’know, terrorism an’ stuff… so we had to act for the sake of… em, y’know, freedom and democracy an’ all that shit…
“But the point is, no longer will the media pawns of Obama, Clinton, McCain and the rest of them distract the public from the real issue that concerns America today – that is, my adventures in the Middle East! And right now, I can confidently say, mission accomplished.”
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