Up Close And Personal With… Twink
Posted on | December 10, 2007
Twink! Twink Twink Twink Twink Twink, how the hell are you?
T. I’m doing great thanks.
Twink, maybe you’d like to explain to our readers just why it is you’re famous, ‘cos we all know you, but nobody seems to know just what it is you do?
T. WHAT?!
What do you do?
T. I… well I… I once left an abusive phone message on my estranged husband’s answering machine… then the bollix put it on the Internet and every fucker and his wife heard it.
That’s right, that’s how you came to win Ireland’s Foulest Mouth Award 2006
T. Yes I beat off stiff competition from that fat fucker Gerry Ryan. He’s a massive prick that fucker is.
He is indeed. So where did you get the name ‘Twink’?
T. Well I’ve never liked penetrative sex, I just don’t have the flossy for it to be honest. So I’d just give my husband handjobs, and when we were finished, instead of saying thanks for the wank, he’d say Twanks! Then he started calling me Twanks, but that was a bit too vulgar so I changed it to Twinks. And when the Wall fell, I had to drop the S, obviously.
So do you give good wanks?
T. No.
You’re also doing a show called Men O’ The Pause in the Tivoli at the moment and you’re getting terrible reviews.
T. We are not, it’s a brilliant show.
No not the show, you!
T. Well I heard I’m the best thing in it!
That’s not what the Irish Times review said. According to them, “the show itself is very funny, but Twink is a big barrel of shite”
T. That’s disgraceful, they shouldn’t be allowed print that crap. What fucker wrote that? I’ll make shite of him in front of his wife and kids.
Em… actually, I don’t think I should tell you that.
T. It doesn’t matter. I’ll find out meself.
Okay. A lot of people don’t realise this, but in 1982 the Provisional IRA actually kidnapped you from your home, how was that experience?
T. It was frightening, but I didn’t show any fear. I told them they should kill me because they wouldn’t be getting any money from me, or my husband. They eventually saw sense and let me go.
That’s right, it wasn’t well publicised because it was quite an embarrassing u-turn for the Provos. The man in charge of the operation spoke of his ordeal shortly before his suicide, he said you were a ‘wreck the head’, and he had to get rid of you before he went mad.
T. Yes. When they did cut me loose, I caught that fucker by the balls and I nearly pulled the mickey off him! It took three of them to pry my hand free. I’d have killed him if they hadn’t stopped me.
You recently started a campaign to round up the homeless and freeze them until future generations found a cure for homelessness, how well was that received?
T. I got a lot of support from the PDs. Mary Harney was crazy about the idea.
What was the thinking behind the plan?
T. Well I hate the sight of homeless people, they’re human faeces, they stink of shit and booze and I hate them! I hate them I hate them I hate them!
So how did it pan out?
T. It really came to a stop when I found out that we actually don’t have the technology to freeze people for such long periods of time. Also, if we did, it would cost billions, and the government wasn’t prepared to spend that amount of money on the dregs of society. Furthermore some smart arse doctor said that there isn’t a cure for homelessness as it isn’t a real disease. But it is.
Homeless groups reacted quite badly and they encouraged the homeless to sleep on your property in protest to your wacky views, how did you cope with that?
T. I didn’t give two fucks. I went out and bought a shotgun, and I just took a few shots at the scruffy fuckers, they didn’t stick around long once they knew I meant business.
Did you kill anyone?
T. No, just some homeless people.
Do the Gardaí know?
T. I don’t care, and if those shower of shits turn up on my property they’ll get some of the same! And you better not rat me up!
But this is an interview, the tape is recording everything you say!
T. Turn off that fucking tape off or I’ll fucking do yeh!
Twink put away that shotgun – this is an interview!
T. TURN IT FUCKING OFF!! NOOOOW!!
AAAAAGHHHHH!!!
Up Close And Personal With… Shane MacGowan
