Potato Waffle Blight Threatens Second Irish Famine
Posted on | November 20, 2007
A blight-infected potato waffle
Some 160 years after the original Great Hunger, Ireland and its inhabitants are on the cusp of another famine, according to a report published yesterday.
This time the threat comes from the fungus known as Phytophthora infrozans which infects potato waffles, causing them to rot and become inedible. This particular strain of waffle blight is so potent it can travel from box to box, destroying entire batches even if frozen.
This would not be cause for a national emergency were it not for the fact that potato waffles constitute the primary diet of a high percentage of ordinary Irish people. Most at risk are those from a working/lower and/or middle class background for whom the potato waffle is an inexpensive and convenient source of nutrition.
According to Edward Head, Professor of Gastrogenetics, Trinity College Dublin, and one of the report’s contributors, the government has thus far disregarded their dire predictions: “This is not the first time those [government] ignoramuses have ignored our warnings. In fact there was a previous waffle blight we alerted them to in 1997 that authorities did absolutely nothing about.
“Luckily the standard Irish person’s diet was considerably more varied at the time. When the potato waffle stocks were wiped out, people were able to survive on fish fingers, chicken nuggets and vegetable burgers, so the impact wasn’t as catastrophic. Also, that particular strain of blight only affected Birdseye waffles, other brands such as Green Isle and Euroshopper remained safe to eat.”
However this new strain of Phytophthora infrozans is a much stronger variant than its late-90s predecessor says Prof Head. “This time all brands will be affected, not just Birdseye. Coupled with the fact that the price of fish has skyrocketed and nobody eats vegetables any more, many thousands of people are facing starvation with the destruction of the entire potato waffle stock.”
According to Prof Head the blight has already reached Irish shores. He described its effect on the average potato waffle so the general public can recognise its occurrence:
“The early stages of blight can be easily overlooked, as not all waffles are affected at once. Symptoms include the appearance of dark blotches on the outer squares. White mould will appear in the central squares if the tetrad is left to defrost. Infected tetrads develop purple patches that are dark beneath the skin, and quickly decay to a foul smelling mush. Though it won’t take much expertise to spot that.”
Since the publication of the report, opposition parties have called on the government to place an immediate ban on all food exports and to establish cup-a-soup kitchens in particularly vulnerable areas. Earlier this morning, Minister of State with Responsibility for Food and Stuff Trevor Sargent made this statement:
“Not for the first time in our history, God, in his mysterious ways, has judged it necessary to afflict Ireland with a terrible blight. Such is the will of the Creator. Of course this government will do its utmost to alleviate hunger and starvation and that – but if we’re going to play the blame game than I’m afraid we’re just going to have to blame God.”
However, Independent TD for Dublin Central Tony Gregory rejects completely Mr Sargent’s analysis of the situation: “If indeed we are on the threshold of another famine – then it will be occurring in a plentiful country which produces an abundance of food. Families up and down the country will go hungry because they are virtually dependent on the potato waffle for survival.
“Even if people didn’t have to contend with high mortgages and could actually afford fresh food, with their full-time jobs and long commuting hours, parents have literally no time to prepare proper meals for themselves or their children. As long as large food retailers and property developers keep the government in their pocket, ordinary Irish people are going to starve.
“So instead of blaming God, Minister Sargent must look to the policies of his own government, which have created such conditions that ordinary people have had no choice but to accept a waffle-based diet. Already in my constituency I have heard mutterings of that dreaded word – emigration.”
Indeed since the appearance of the blight there have already been reports of dozens of families leaving Ireland for good to live in the US or Canada, where processed frozen foods are cheap and plentiful. In fact, in the time since the story broke and this article was written the Irish population has further fallen by approximately 4%.
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