Scientist Who Cloned Hundreds of Gazzas Tells Government: “I’ve Made A Terrible Mistake”
Posted on | July 20, 2009
A Newcastle-based scientist has told a government review board that he made “a terrible mistake” when he cloned former footballer Paul Gascoigne more than one hundred times.
131 Gazza clones escaped from Newcastle University campus yesterday, and caused more than four million pounds worth of damage to Newcastle city centre.
Professor Harold Thump, a fanatical Newcastle United supporter, told how he began cloning Gazza halfway through last season, when he thought his beloved football club were heading for the drop zone.
Thump, 48, said he had no idea that the Gazzas would cause so much trouble and that he had done “everything in his power” to ensure that they would remain safely behind locked doors.
The clones escaped however, after an unannounced fire drill resulted in the laboratory doors being left unlocked and unattended by staff.
The professor has begged the review board for leniency, saying he merely wanted to help his favourite team:
“Gazza was the best footballer to ever come out of Newcastle, I only wanted to see him play in a Newcastle jersey again. I thought he could help us stay in the Premier League, I didn’t want any of this to happen! I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
All of the 131 Gazzas have now been rounded up and destroyed by the British Army, who had to be called out as local police officers were overwhelmed as the rampaging cloned louts destroyed several public houses, smashed numerous bus shelters and urinated on thousands of pensioners.
Thump has also claimed the British Army have as a precaution confiscated several clones of Bianca Gascoigne created by ITV. However they are not believed to have been involved in the incident.
Paul Gascoigne has publicly denounced the destruction of his cloned selves, saying he should have been given the chance to adopt them all. “We could have lived together in my house, I’ve always wanted to start my own battered sausage orchestra”.
Mr Gascoigne did not go on to explain what a battered sausage orchestra was.
