Lenihan Solves Economic Crisis After Sudden Brainwave
Posted on | July 8, 2009
Idea was “staring [him] in the face all this time”
The Irish economy was single-handedly rescued from financial ruin today by Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan.
In a dramatic flash of political inspiraton, Mr Lenihan decided to charge the petroleum company Royal Dutch Shell a staggering 5% of the value of the natural gas deposits they are extracting from the Corrib gas fields off the coast of Mayo.
“It was weird – the idea just struck me out of the blue, as if from nowhere,” explained the Minister.
“For months me and my cabinet colleagues have been thoroughly stumped by this godforsaken recession, and then bang! It just hit me – the Corrib gas fields! How could I have been so stupid?
“All this time the solution to our financial woes was there staring me in the face and I didn’t see it.”
When looking into the matter further, Mr Lenihan discovered that in 2003 former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern granted exclusive exploration rights of the Corrib gas field to Shell (along with free security from the Gardaí and Defense Forces) in exchange for a can of coke and a packet of smoky bacon Tayto crisps.
“With hindsight, I can’t say it was a good idea.” concedes Mr Lenihan.
“But to be fair to Bertie, the State was rolling in money at the time due to the property boom. So taking a cut of the gas profits seemed a little mean I suppose. Even though the gas is located in Irish waters and by rights belongs to the Irish people…
“Besides, I absolutely love Tayto crisps as well – though I do prefer cheese and onion – so I can’t really blame Bertie for accepting Shell’s offer.”
The Minister spoke of how he realised he could avoid all the crippling cuts in health, welfare and education by taking a slice (or a ‘tax’ as it is commonly known) of the revenue Royal Dutch Shell will accumulate from Irish gas.
“Like all the best ideas, it’s simple really. I thought, well, if we can tax an individual, why can’t we tax a multinational corporation? It’s the exact same principle really – except companies have a lot more money of course!” laughed Mr Lenihan.
The Minister did however apologise to the foreign oil company for the “unfortunate” surcharge he will have to place on their access to an Irish natural resource they have no exclusive entitlement to – but somehow do anyway.
“Sorry, but we all have to tighten our belts in the current climate – even all-powerful global corporations who don’t answer to anybody. I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is. We really need that money to stabilise the economy.”
In a statement reported on RTÉ, Shell’s Irish spokesman Ian Quisley confirmed that his foreign superiors will go ahead with “immediate” legal action.
Despite the revelation that they had reneged on the can of coke part of their deal with Bertie Ahern, Mr Quisley maintains Shell “are entitled to all the resources of Irish offshore territories under the agreement, and anyone who says otherwise are either hippies, cranks, terrorists or madmen”.
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