Government To Ban ‘Mullet’ Haircut As Crisis Deepens
By Philip Collins | August 7, 2008
Ireland’s young people are in serious danger of looking like “complete tossers” due to their choice of hairstyle, a new government report has warned today.
The published report, coinciding with the launch today of a nationwide anti-mullet campaign spearheaded by the government, shows how concerned the older generation are about young peoples’ growing fondness for the aesthetically vulgar haircut.
The fact that two of the three ministerial Marys – Minister for Health and Children Mary Harney, and Minister for Social and Family Affairs Mary Hanafin – were present at today’s press conference in Dublin indicates this matter is also being taken very seriously at cabinet level.
The governmental panel appeared today at Dublin’s Royal Hotel for the launch of the ‘Give the Mullet the Bullet’ campaign which they hope will raise awareness amongst the young people of Ireland of the dangers of having a mullet haircut.
Inexplicably, and almost imperceptibly, the mullet has somehow become one of the most popular haircuts amongst the 14 to 17-year old age demographic, despite it’s blatantly ridiculous appearance. As a result the Health Minister admitted that the government would most likely have to take legislative steps to change the present “skewered” mindset of Irish teenagers.
Ms Harney told the assembled journalists that “the problem was first noticed by the Teachers Union of Ireland, who had received some startling feedback from their members concerning the fashions of their students, with whom they are in touch with on a daily basis of course.
“As the problem worsened we knew we would have to step in. We hope this report and campaign will change things, but we all know kids just do the opposite of everything we say so probably what we’ll have to do is ban the mullet altogether thus giving the Gardaí more power to harass youngsters who adopt it. We’ll just let the Guards beat the shit out of the kids and then cut their hair down at the station.”
The report reveals how government officials had consulted their US counterparts about the issue, as the Americans suffer from a huge mullet problem from as far back as the 1970s.
The US authorities believed the haircut was started by the Soviets during the Cold War to weaken America should a full scale attack take place between the two Superpowers. The US still has a mullet problem however it is mainly confined to the southern states. Crucially the American government funded an unprecedented media campaign to undermine the hairstyle which was primarily ridicule-based.
An unnamed US senator writes in the report: “We basically set up a group whose job it was to fund comedians to tell jokes about the mullet, David Letterman, Jay Leno all used their shows as a platform to diss the mullet, while we also commissioned thousands of books to be printed showcasing the variety and stupidity of the haircut. This seemed to have a positive impact.
“We also found great success after we hired rap group the Beastie Boys to record a song Mullethead further mocking the style. The unrelenting black propaganda campaign against the mullet had the effect of wiping out the hairstyle in the north and western states, particularly in urban areas. We just managed to push the mullet back to the South, once we got it confined to those states it was no longer a national problem.”
Ms Harney admitted today she had neither the patience nor the money to start a similar lobby group for curbing the spread of the mullet. “I couldn’t be arsed setting up a fucking lobby group, I think I prefer my plan to let the cops have the power to kick the tar out of kids until it goes back to Cork where it started.”
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