Up Close And Personal With… John Gilligan
Posted on | August 6, 2008
In response to the beating which he received as a result of his Hot Press interview, John Gilligan has decided to set the record straight by giving an interview on his mobile phone from his maximum high security prison cell to Gubuwire.
Hello, hello, are you there?
JG. Hello Philip, it is I, John Gilligan.
How’s things John?
JG. Not too good Phil. I made a boo boo.
Is that why you’ve giving us this interview?
JG. Yeah, well the last interview I gave to Hot Press was taken up all wrong.
How so?
JG. Well they twisted my words, they said I had a great sense of humour, and that I’m always telling jokes and that.
And that was false?
JG. Yes, I’m really just a squinty eyed little thug, I haven’t laughed since they shot Veronica Guerin.
Who’s they? Do you know who shot Veronica Guerin?
JG. Yes, I was in Amsterdam when Traynor rang me, he was drunk and told me that he shot her ‘cos of her lesbian haircut. I laughed like a drain. Then again, I was really stoned. When I sobered up I cried like a newborn baby for three days straight. Then again, I was also on mushrooms. Anyway, I’ll really miss her, even though I didn’t even know her that well. She’s a bit like the Irish Princess Di really.
Whatever. So why would the prisoners beat you for them saying you were good humoured?
JG. Well it’s mainly because they hate my horrid little guts cos I’m a grumpy little hard man fucker.
So were you badly hurt in the beating?
JG. I have a small boo boo on my lip, and my tummy hurts, but I’ll survive.
Just to change the subject slightly John, because the public isn’t all that interested in Veronica Guerin any more, what will you do when you get out?
JG. I think I’ll go back to work on the ships, I love seamen.
Really? So you’re missing seamen?
JG. Not really, there’s actually a lot of semen in prison (laughs).
Really?
JG. Oh yeah!
Some papers said that you had an LCD TV screen in your prison cell, was that true?
J.G. That’s preposterous, how could I get an LCD TV into me cell? There wouldn’t be enough room with me pool table, jukebox and trampoline, besides it would upset me pet falcon with the noise of it. It’s just that the bloody papers are always telling lies about me, they have it in for me big time! Big time before bedtime. I’ve never done anything on anyone, I’ve never double-crossed anyone – in fact I shouldn’t even be in prison! I’ve been set up by the papers as the face of Irish crime! And it was a trial by media, I’ve only ever robbed a banana from a factory, and that’s when I was twelve!
What did you steal the banana for?
JG. Never you mind young man.
Erm… Okay. You were put in solitary confinement recently for hitting a prison guard. Why did you hit him?
JG. Well the screws in here think it’s funny to call me Jiminy Gilligars, which, needless to say, drives me bonkers!
Ha ha! Jiminy Gilligars! Brilliant.
JG. Stop that, stop laughing at me!
Sorry. So you hit him for calling you Jiminy Gilligars?
JG. Yes.
How was solitary?
JG. It was grand, there was a few lads from my wing down there, so we had a bit of a laugh!
That sounds nice.
JG. It was delightful, we all sat around doing our impressions of David Norris.
Do you like David Norris?
JG. Yes he’s marvellous!
Is it true that you’ve only ever been on three holidays in your entire life?
JG. Yes, yes it is. Isn’t that terrible? And I’ve never even been to fucking Spain, can you believe that?
You poor sod.
JG. I know. And I’m such a ruddy good bloke.
You said the General didn’t have a pot to piss in, so surely he didn’t even have one holiday?
JG. No, I’d say he was on loads of holidays. At least six.
It doesn’t matter anyway.
JG. The Monk is always on holiday!
Okay, eh, so anyway…
JG. The Viper went on holiday for a whole month once! In Spain!
I don’t care!
JG. And they were always on holidays together in that film Goodfellas!
You’re right, they were, but can I change the subject for just one minute?
JG. How many holidays have you been on this year alone, ten? Twenty? TELL ME!
Not that it’s any of your business, but I’ve only had a weeks holiday this year, and I didn’t even go anywhere.
JG. What was the best holiday you’ve ever been on?
What? I’m not telling you.
JG. Ooh go on, pleeeeaaase! I’ll be your best friend!
This is ridiculous! I have to go now.
JG. Please don’t go, I just wanna hear you talk
Bye John.
JG. I’m so alone…
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