US Congressman Confesses To Sleeping With Wife
“Unacceptable loyalty” on the part of Mr Daschound A Vermont Congressman who admitted to being faithful to his wife has resigned as chairman of the Democratic Congressional Association. Clint Daschound (right) is being replaced by Massachusetts Congressman Robert Kennedy II Snr. Mr Kennedy, the second of 12 grandsons named Robert from the famed political family, [...]
Scientist Who Cloned Hundreds of Gazzas Tells Government: “I’ve Made A Terrible Mistake”
A Newcastle-based scientist has told a government review board that he made “a terrible mistake” when he cloned former footballer Paul Gascoigne more than one hundred times. 131 Gazza clones escaped from Newcastle University campus yesterday, and caused more than four million pounds worth of damage to Newcastle city centre. Professor Harold Thump, a fanatical [...]
Festival Review: Oxigen ’09
Bulimic beauty Lady Gag on the Main Stage Sunday Howdy doody people! Well let’s not faff about with intros – weren’t the Killers of Leon the absolute, hands-down, completely and totally best band at Oxigen ’09? They truly are the kings of half-filled stadium rock these day, ain’t no doubt about it. Anyway, back to [...]
Government Announce €50 Billion Bail-Out of Spice Burger Industry
The government has announced its plans to rescue Ireland’s spice burger industry. The Finglas-based Walsh Family Foods will receive a €50.2 billion injection of capital in order to keep their business afloat. Taoiseach Brian Cowen said the government would not take control of the operation, but senior managers at Walsh’s would be “expected” to take [...]
‘Wigger’ Protests Against Chinese Government Spill Into Violence
Vanilla Ice, spokesdude for the World Wigger Congress. Violence in China’s northern region of Hepjiang has left at least 500 people critically injured, according to state media. Several hundred people were arrested yesterday after a protest in the city of Urbanqi descended into violence. Beijing claims Wigger students went on the rampage in the city [...]
Lenihan Solves Economic Crisis After Sudden Brainwave
Idea was “staring [him] in the face all this time” The Irish economy was single-handedly rescued from financial ruin today by Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan. In a dramatic flash of political inspiraton, Mr Lenihan decided to charge the petroleum company Royal Dutch Shell a staggering 5% of the value of the natural gas deposits [...]
Economic News: Unemployment Level Reaches 30-Minute High
Some people who object to being unemployed Ireland’s official unemployment rate has reached its highest level in 30 minutes, according to the CSO’s latest Panicky National Survey. The Central Statistics Office say almost 253,015 people were officially unemployed by 11.16 a.m. this morning, an increase of almost 0.004% since approximately 10.48 a.m. This pushes the [...]
