A sixteen minute pornographic film that appeared on the Internet yesterday is believed to have been deliberately uploaded by an as yet unidentified hacker.

The footage which appears on a new website called YouLube, was uploaded by an anonymous user calling himself 69dude.

It is believed the video was put online with the express purpose of sexually arousing anybody who watches it. The footage consists of man and woman having intercourse in a stylised and unrealistic manner.

Both the participating couple in the clip remain unidentified, however they are both believed to be Dutch judging by their accents.

Search engines Google and Yahoo say they are aware of the video and are doing “all in their power” to address the problem.

In a statement Microsoft founder Bill Gates said he was “totally shocked” that someone would abuse the Internet in such a manner.

Government attempts to warn people about the explicit and inappropriate material are ongoing. Minister for the Department of Online Affairs Eanneas O’Kweev urged the public to “do all in their power” to avoid watching the clip:

“I myself have viewed to the footage and I can assure you it is absolutely disgusting. In fact I have had to watch it many times in order to ascertain the location and identities of the offending parties. No luck as yet, but I intend to review the material again later before my wife returns home from work.

“At this point we would ask the public to remain calm until this filth is removed.”

Despite the authorities’ efforts, the clip has been viewed by approximately 600,000 people as of 8 o’clock this morning.

In the comments section below the clip, one user posted : “I’m only 9 years old, what are these two people doing? Are they having a fight?”

In reply to this, another user posted: “No, u stupid baby, there DOIN IT!!!! AWESOME!!!!!! (sic)”

Most disturbingly, the video has many added to hundreds of viewers’ favourites and currently stands at a four-and-a-half star rating.

The clip has also come in for criticism from male advocacy groups. According to writer and critic Jim Davids, it is “an affront to male diginity, and another example of how society functionalises the male body for the sole purpose of female gratification.”

“If you watch the footage carefully, which I don’t recommend – but I have so you can trust that I’m telling the truth – the camera never once removes its gaze from the woman’s body. Not once. The man barely gets a look-in…

“In fact, his head is out of shot for most of the duration of the clip. All he does is groan pathetically as the woman shouts instructions about how hard or fast she wants it. The man is nothing more than a prop for the woman’s pleasure. He is, in effect, a walking dildo. A perfect metaphor for men in contemporary society.”

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Iran stole a march on their Hallmark rivals in the ‘Greeting Drone’ industry as President Ahmadinejad today launched Iran’s new Superdeluxe Karrar unmanned aerial vehicle.

The travel-sized Iranian leader described the (by Iranian standards) sophisticated military drone which can “execute” a target at a distance of half a mile, as a “Message of Peace”, before continuing:

“Of course, for some others – I’m not saying who, mind you – it will be a Message of Death.”

After praising Iran’s military scientists, who “finally managed to get something right”, Ahmadinejad pointed out the superior features of the new machine, as well as Iran’s business plan for the newest addiiton to their arms stable.

“Greeting cards are all right for those small occasions – birthdays, anniversaries, you know – but if you really want to send a message – say, to someone’s bar mitzvah, for example – you can’t beat the Karrar.”

The audience then politely clapped as the leader’s personal duvet was whisked off what appeared to be a tinfoil mock-up of the new drone, positioned in front of a vintage 1940s Hollywood ‘sky’ background, believed to have been used in some of Ronald Reagan’s earliest films.

The announcement has fueled speculation that Iran plans to launch an entire range of “Greeting Drones” with as many as twenty different messages by mid-2011.

“One could imagine, for example, a Message of Light Disgruntlement,” says analyst Fareed Fareed, “or a Message of Severe Infrastructural Inconvenience, or maybe just a basic messsage that lets people know that we are watching them and are interested in their lives. The possibilities are endless.”

Hallmark’s shares fell sharply on the snap announcement and the greeting card giant has already announced plans to retaliate with a new surface-to-air Laser Destroyer Range.

“Obviously, we did not see this coming,” an apology issued this evening to shareholders revealed, “or we would have acted pre-emptively. However, our owners have our word that we will react with devastating force to regain the market in an operation we are calling ‘Greet This!’”

Meanwhile, back in Teheran, the drone continues to enjoy the full endorsement of officials and dignataries, even being hailed by the Foreign Ministry as an “Ambassador of Death”.

The Minister officially welcomed the new Ambassador to the team, stating, “We have had a few diplomatic difficulties in the past, but that is obviously behind us now. I think that with Karrar, we’re finally getting a handle on international relations.”

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Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams has issued a statement this evening denying he was a follower of the Catholic Church.

Emerging information in recent days has shone a light into the extent of Catholic infiltration of the Provosional IRA during the Troubles, and suspicions surrounding many prominent IRA volunteers.

“Despite my personal anger at attempts to blacken my name or my party’s name with these claims, I continue to display self-control in my responses.

“However, given the seriousness of recent revelations, I feel I must offer my categorical denial that I am or ever was a member of the Roman Catholic Church. It is simply false.” he said.

“However I cannot deny the possiblity of an IRA commander at the time, in a different part of the country, secretly being a Catholic priest. It is an accusation I can neither confirm nor deny unfortunately.”

Former member of the Army Council, Mr Adams admitted he had been in contact with clergymen, but in a strictly non-military capacity.

“As part of growing up in the predominately Catholic nationalist community I found myself in the company of priests. At weddings, at funerals – a lot of funerals actually – on a regular basis.

“That I admit. At the time it was unavoidable really. But to claim I was an official “man of God” who wore the collar underneath my balaclava is untrue and unfair.”

Mr Adams’ strong response was motivated by further allegations this morning that over 75% of Provos were Catholic clergymen, be they priests, bishops or cardinals.

An unidentified former IRA man, ‘Vincent’, admitted to Gubuwire that he and his colleagues did not see any contradicton in their parmilitary membership and their devotion to the Catholic faith:

“Ah no. For me they were the same struggle. A free Ireland was an Ireland free to be Catholic. All that republican stuff was alright, but it was a means to an end really.

“Yeah, I was a priest. So were most of the other lads. It wasn’t a big deal really. Before each assignment we would kneel down and say the Rosary. Our first loyalty was to the Church. After all, they indoctrinated us when we were kids. The Rah only got us in our teens.”

‘Vincent’ is also dismissive of Mr Adams’ protestations: “Ah yeah, Gerry was a priest alright. Him and all his brothers. There’s was no way he could have gained control of the Army Council without being a priest. He wouldn’t have had the moral authority.”

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Child Welfare International have criticised the decision of a Belgian court to allow a 14-year old girl to sail solo around the world, citing the threat from “sea-faring” paedophiles.

Sara Hakkar (right) is attempting to be the youngest person to circumnavigate the globe on her own, but the despite the blessing of her parents and Belgian authorities, many in her home country and beyond are expressing concern that she may be vulnerable to the advances of maritime sex fiends.

Spokeswoman for the CWI Jana Phreiberg said today: “I mean, what are her parents thinking of? It just boggles the mind. The world’s seas and oceans are no place for a teenage girl to be sailing around on her own for God’s sake.

“These days paedophiles are employing sophisticated methods in order to prey on innocent young people. There’s tonnes of evidence to suggest an increasing number of paedophiles are taking up yachting in the hope of intercepting teenagers on a solo round-the-world sailing run.

“I mean, if her mother and father are so insistent on their daughter partaking in some extreme hobby, couldn’t they just let her climb Mt. Everest or something? I’d certainly have no objection to a minor taking on a 30,000ft peak on her own.

“As far as I know, the freezing temperatures one finds in the Himalayas is so far removed from a paedophile’s natural habitat, there’s no way they can survive in those extreme conditions for any length of time. So Ms Hakkar would be one hundred per cent safe if she attempted that,” said Ms Phreiberg.

Over the past five years there has been a spate of teenage sailors attempting solo efforts to circumnavigate the globe. Many attribute the sailing craze among young people to pop star Miley Cyrus’ doomed attempt to sail around the world to promote her 2007 album Kiddy A.

One unforeseen consequence of this craze has been the rise of nautical nonces. An estimated quarter of million sexual predators now prowl the world’s oceans in the hope of chancing upon a vulnerable teenage sailor alone on a yacht.

Last year Australian authorities banned swimming along the Pacific coastline due to increased fears of paedophile attacks. In April of this year, BP blamed the explosion on the Deepwater Horizon rig that caused the Gulf of Mexico oil spill on the “nefarious” presence of marine paedophiles in the area.

Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe has told an international criminal court that he received a machine gun from supermodel Naomi Campbell “as a gift”.

He was testifying at the Special Court for Celebrity War Crimes where prosecutors say that in 1997 Ms Campbell gave Mr Mugabe a Sanna 77 sub-machine gun to hide, one she allegedly used only minutes earlier to murder 15 people.

Both he and Campbell deny the allegations. The incident occured in South Africa during their attendance as honorary guests at an event for celebrity sociopaths hosted by Bob Geldof.

The tyrant told the court there was a knock on his door in the early hours of the morning in question.

He said he opened the door to find Campbell, “out of breath, her face flecked with blood, holding the gun with both hands in an offering gesture in my direction. She said she brought it as a gift for me”.

Mr Mugabe explained how he left the gun in the wardrobe in his room before returning to bed. He said he noted how the barrel was still hot, as if it had been recently used.

When pressed on why Campbell would give him such an unusual gift, he responded:

“She said she heard how dangerous for me it had become in my country, that my enemies were plotting to overthrow me. That people who I believed were my friends were going to turn on me. So she thought I might need a gun.”

“She said to me ‘I understand what you’re going through, life as an international supermodel is similarly treacherous’.”

When asked to account for the early morning presentation of the gift, Mr Mugabe said he was told by Campbell she had “a passion” for automatic weaponry:

“She said she loved going to the shooting range to practice, she went all the time. In fact, she loved it so much that she would often wake up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep unless she got her fix of firing off a few rounds.”

Mr Mugabe said it was his understanding that Ms Campbell had come directly from shooting practice to his room with the gun.

Dictator Mugabe was said to be “enamoured and terrified” of
Campbell.

Prosecutors called Mr Mugabe to the stand in a bid to discredit the supermodel’s claim that she never fired live rounds on her assistants.

They say Ms Campbell personally went to Mr Mugabe’s room to ask him to hide and dispose of the weapon she used to kill her employees.

Naomi Campbell’s trial opened in Paris in June of last year on 6 counts of celebrity atrocities and crimes against assistants.

She is accused of being responsible for the deaths of dozens of former PAs, helpers, aides and various stylists who have upset or failed her during her twenty-year career.

The London-born model has also denied charges she travelled to Sierra Leone during the civil war in order to procure weaponry she used to keep brutal control over her 100-strong entourage.

In September 1997 it is alleged she opened fire on a roomful of her staff with an automatic weapon, killing 15, after losing patience with their supposed lack of effort in achieving her required ‘look’.

It was at this celebrity gathering in Johannesburg where she met Robert Mugabe for the first and only time.

Fellow attendee Woody Allen also took the stand yesterday to answer questions about that night. He testified at breakfast the following morning Mr Mugabe was under no illusion as to why Campbell had given him the gun.

“His words were ‘she’s done it again’. He didn’t extrapolate but we all knew what he meant. Then he asks what should he do with this gift he got from Ms Campbell. He seemed equally enamoured and terrified of her.”

Mr Mugabe claimed he gave the gun to another guest, his friend Mel Gibson “to do something with”. He said Gibson claimed he would take it home and “put it to good use”.

Mel Gibson and Bob Geldof are to testify in the coming days.

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One week after the release of Starcraft 2, South Korea has launched its largest ever war game exercise near the disputed border with the evil North Korea.

The South has warned the North it will not tolerate noob-like “ling rushes or cheap offensive tower provocations” during the five-day drill on the Yellow Sea.

The drill is being staged in response to Blizzard Enterainment’s release of the epic real-time sci-fi strategy game Starcraft 2 – Wings Of Liberty last week.

In the South Korean capital of Seoul, city workers have been frantically working day and night to clear millions of gallons of ejaculant emitted during the midnight release of the newest addition to the game franchise praised above any other sport or pastime.

During the destraction, the insect-like xenomorph Kim Jong-il unleashed deadly attack on the South Korean flagship, the Battlecruser ‘Kim Gaeul’ which was holding position in low orbit over Tarsonis.

The South Korean response to the strike was swift. “This is the largest anti-Zerg rush exercise in our military history, involving the army, navy, air force and space marines,” a Joint Chief of Staff (JCS) spokesman said.

South Korea is mobilising 4,500 nerds, backed by war machines, including 29 ships such as Medivacs and Ravens, and 50 aircraft including Viking jet fighters that transform into walking robots with machine guns, and Banshee cloaking attack helicopters that can only be seen by detector units.

The exercise began eight days after South Korea and the US ended a massive 2v1 stomp against the computer (set to normal difficulty) in the Sea of Japan (East Sea) as a show of force against the North. The US having technically superior military technology, and utilising the psyonic abilities of their mighty Stalkers, Archons, Void-Rays not to mention their deadly right-wing religious Zealots.

Pyongyang has angrily denied responsibility for destruction of the warship, which claimed the lives of the 46 SCVs onboard and sharply raised tensions on the Korean battle.net forums.

The JCS said the latest exercise is defensive in nature, focused on repelling attacks by blocking off choke points and placing missile towers around mineral deposits and vespine gas refineries, but still, these measures remain insufficient against the North’s feared Nidus Worms, creatues that can burst out of the ground at any time and strike when least expected.

Marines stationed on islands near the disputed Yellow Sea border with the North staged live-fire battery exercises. Although equiped with weaponry and stimpack upgrades, they are yet to receive armour or air support from medivacs.

This week’s exercise is one of a series planned by the South – either alone or jointly with its ally the US.

The North’s military command blasted this week’s exercise as a “pathetic attempt of the fleeting Terran-Protoss alliance to unseat the Swarm from its rightful throne of the galaxy” and warned that “infantile displays of will” by the South would be countered “with strong psyonic retaliation”.

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Warner Brothers have condemned as “unforgivable” the leak of 90 in-studio memos relating to the next Batman film, saying their publication could threaten the financial security of Hollywood itself.

The documents released by the controversial WikiLeaks website include spoilers on casting, story and production details of the planned follow-up to 2008′s The Dark Knight.

According to the leaked documents, British film-maker Christopher Nolan will return as writer and director of the movie, which will be titled Shadow of the Bat.

The huge cache of confidential details is one of the biggest spoilers in Hollywood history. Already they have spread across the internet like wildfire.

Describing the leak as a “criminal act”, Warners president Alan Horn said executives were currently reviewing the materials in order to identify the source of the leak.

“The person or persons responsible for this may have made themselves feel more important, but the reality is they have endangered the livelihoods of literally thousands working in the film industry.”

Among the other details leaked is that French actress Marion Cotillard will be taking the role of Selina Kyle/ Catwoman and that Morgan Freeman’s character Lucius Fox will be killed off.

The documents also suggest that Shadow of the Bat will be shot entirely in IMAX and that the estimated budget will top $200m, plus another $100m for marketing and promotion.

However, some are already calling into question the veracity of the information. According to Wally Jowells of movie gossip site AreWeCool.com the leaks are “100 per cent fiction, being sold as legitimate spoilers.”

“If this information is true, why is there no mention of Joseph Gordon-Levitt? We already know he has been cast as the Riddler – that was leaked last month. Surely that would be mentioned in at least one of these 90 memos? I call bullshit on this.

“I think this is disinformation, pure and simple. In this day and age of spoilers and leaks, the makers are going to increasingly desperate lengths to throw fans off the scent. Look how far they went to keep Inception under wraps! Either WikiLeaks are in on it or they’ve been duped.”

“This plot has Nolan’s fingerprints written all over it…”

In response WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he stands by veracity of the spoilers.

“Whenever we leak material, we are saying that these spoilers are true. Believe me, our source is solid.” Mr Assange made his comments during an unannounced appearance at San Francisco’s NerdonomiCon 2010.

He claims he is under surveillance by undercover studio agents and cannot disclose his public appearances ahead of time.

“We leak studio memos all the time. They are genuine memos, but of course that doesn’t mean the studios themselves are telling the truth,” he said.

“This is not a plot by Warner Brothers to deceive fans, I can assure you of that. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is not mentioned in the documents for the simple fact that he is not appearing in Shadow of the Bat, nor is the character of the Riddler for that matter.”

When asked why is his organisation leaking such material in the first place, thereby spoiling the movie-going experience for people, Assange replied:

“We have done the fans a favour here. By putting them out of their misery we’re striking a blow for freedom of speech!”

He compared the impact of this spoiler to that of the leaking of Spock’s death before the release of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan back in 1982. “Thousands of geeks were spared the full trauma of Spock’s heroic sacrifice by knowing it was going to happen before they saw it.”

This is not the first time WikiLeaks have found themselves in hot water over leaking sensitive Hollywood material.

In November 2008 it published the entire membership list of the Church of Dietology, resulting in a number of well-known actors and film industry figures being exposed as members of the eating disorder cult.

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Right wing organisation the Ku Klux Klan is to launch a new lynching campaign in the US, this time targeting what it describes as “uppity socialists”.

The campaign was announced today via video message on the KKK website. An anonymous Klansman delivered the message to camera flanked by two associates, all of whom were dressed in the group’s trademark white robes and hood.

“Ever since the godless socialist Barack Obama fraudulently seized the White House in 2008, he and his kind now think the United States of America is theirs to rule as they see fit.

“Well we’re not gonna stand idly by and let a bunch of cotton-pickin’ commies take our great nation away from us. No siree bob.”

This will be the Klan’s first nationwide lynching program since their violent opposition to the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s. However, this time around they say black people are not their target, instead they aim to deal with “our nation’s socialist problem”.

The spokesman goes on to urge all Klan members and supporters to take up arms and ropes “immediately” as there is “little time to lose”.

“The longer we sit back and do nothing the more time they have to corrupt our country in their image – for instance, replace the red, white and blue with a red, black and blue; or scrap the national anthem in favour of a vulgar rap song. This is what is at stake here people.”

“So if you see a socialist in your neighbourhood,” he continues. “Or a group of socialists – as they tend to congregate in gangs, maybe they’ll be playing basketball or some other degenerate pursuit – don’t hestitate to do your pariotic duty and string them up from the nearest tree!”

At this point the Klansman fails to inform the audience how they are to spot a potential socialist without first interrogating the suspect to discover if he or she holds left-wing political views.

A group of socialists plotting to overthrow the US

The spokesman also warns Americans to be vigilant against non-socialists who have “collaborated” with the enemy in allowing a socialist take-over of the United States. As he explains:

“The might not be socialists themselves, in fact they might look just like me and you, politically-speaking, yet these commie lovers have sold our country down the river out of a dispicable sense of ‘political correctness’.

“You know the kind I’m talking about, those in the liberal media and Hollywood who believe ‘oh socialists have been discriminated against for years, maybe it’s their turn to run the country now’….well I’ll tell yall why they’ve been discriminated against – because they’re goddam socialists! What other reason do you need?”

He then went on to caution all “freedom loving Americans” about a socialist retaliation to their lynching campaign: “Something like a Million Marxist March is a possibility so we have to be ready to nip anything like that in the bud…

“Socialism is a great evil and must be opposed at all costs. Yeah, socialists may be good dancers and probably make better athletes but they are morally weak and certainly cannot run a country. Not our country anyway.

“So if you want to make a klontribution, join the klonversation on our klatrooms at www.klinternet.com. Klank you.”

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Over six months since the earthquake that left more than 300,000 Haitians dead, a new United Nations report says the Caribbean state is “getting along fine” and that its people are “doing just great.”

The report, which was welcomed by UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon and other world leaders, confirms the international community has “been largely successful in grasping the opportunity to re-invent Haiti for the better”.

On the streets of Port-au-Prince today, a city effectively levelled after the earthquake hit in January, its inhabitants’ cheerful disposition seems to bare that conclusion out.

Walk down any of the capital’s main thoroughfares you are at first struck by the scale of destruction and debris. But once you get used to that you soon notice something else – smiling faces. Everywhere ordinary people are working together in the spirit of cooperation and hard work.

“By any measure this a remarkable turnaround,” says Joanne Mangan the programme officer for Irish charity Console. “The rebuilding process has united Haitians in a way that politics has consistently failed to do.

“Considering the destruction and tragedy wrought earlier this year, everybody is being looked after and are now living together in peace and harmony. The people who donated money from around the world can stop worrying now.”

On a wooden bench outside a half-built school some children sit alert and laughing, waiting to talk to someone about the miraculous turnaround in their lives. Some yards away French workers who are building the school hand out sweets as they banter with the kids.

Occasionally, aid workers and natives will burst into song as they go about their daily tasks, overwhelmed as they are by the spirit of goodwill. A favourite is the Youngbloods’ paean to peaceful coexistence Get Together.

“C’mon people now/Smile on your brothers/Everybody get together/Try to love one another/Right now…”

Marjorie Chassagne (41) lives in a brand new cottage on the outskirts of the city with her two daughters and baby son. Her new home is one of two dozen recently built by Irish bricklayers who arrived Haiti as volunteers in February.

Despite the loss of her husband in the disaster she feels she has regained her health and happiness and looks to the future with a renewed optimism.

“The owner of this land was once an absentee landlord, but after the quake he returned and was happy to donate his property to the homeless families. We met him for the first time last month. He was really moved by what he saw,” explains Marjorie.

“It seems the earthquake has brought out the humanity in everyone.”

Today’s report was commissioned by the UN Council for Aid and Development and its chairman Jan Van de Heffelumpf says everything has gone according to plan:

“I know it may appear to people in developed countries that Haiti rapidly dropped off the media agenda, but there is good reason for that. Namely, that no news is good news…

“So if you feel guilty about not sending enough aid money or forgetting about Haiti’s woes altogether, I have one word for you – don’t. Relax, everything’s going swimmingly here. It’s all good. Thanks.”

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Former chairman of Anglo Irish Bank Sean FitzPatrick has been declared dead from starvation.

At a press briefing outside Store Street Garda station, Detective Michael Sanford said that Mr FitzPatrick’s emaciated body was found in the doorway of the Powerscourt Centre in Dublin’s South William Street yesterday morning.

“Mr FitzPatrick’s corpse was discovered by security at 6:30 a.m. Monday morning. Initial examinations suggest he had been dead for approximately 36 hours,” Det. Sanford said.

“This has since been confirmed by the coroner’s office. Severe malnutrition has been identified as the chief cause of death, no doubt due to Mr FitzPatrick’s impoverished lifestyle over the last 12 months.”

Controversial banker Seán “Seánie” FitzPatrick was known to be living rough on the streets of Dublin since the spring of last year.

In December of 2008 he was forced to resign his position as chairman of Anglo Irish Bank when revelations of secret loans from the bank to Mr FitzPatrick were made public. The High Court had given him several months to repay the loans totalling €110m.

Having failed to do so Mr FitzPatrick had all his assets and possessions seized – including his home(s), car, clothing, furniture, bedding and work tools – in the name of the Irish taxpayer.

Once the poster boy for Ireland’s flamboyant ‘Celtic Tiger’ generation, Fitzpatrick was reduced to wandering the streets in little more than rags.

The 62-year old became a familiar sight begging around Grafton Street and St. Stephen’s Green, often sleeping in the doorways of upmarket department stores and other exclusive establishments, the likes of those he would regularly frequent during his glory days.

Wracked with guilt for his role in the collapse of Ireland’s banking sector, he would often beg forgiveness from anyone who stopped to give him their spare change.

Security guard Robert Coburn discovered Mr FitzPatrick’s body when opening the Powerscourt premises yesterday morning:

“I just thought it was another homeless person sleeping on the steps, y’know? It’s a common enough occurrence. I shouted at him ‘get up you scum, we don’t want you frightening off our customers with your smell’ and gave him a couple of boots in the back. That usually gets rid of them.

“But after kicking him for a few minutes without any response I knew there was something up. So I turned him over to see if a few slaps in the face would work…then I just froze in shock,” Mr Coburn said.

“I couldn’t believe who I was looking at. Seánie FitzPatrick! He was much more haggard and sick-looking but it was definitely him. Sure I remember when he used to shop here in Powerscourt with his missus. He used to give me €50 tips! Now look at him. Jaysis.”

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