Gerry Adams Rejects Allegations Of Catholic Church Membership
Under pressure Adams had to deal with intense media questioning today. Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams has issued a statement this evening denying he was a follower of the Catholic Church. Emerging information in recent days has shone a light into the extent of Catholic infiltration of the Provosional IRA during the Troubles, and suspicions [...]
Destitute FitzPatrick Starves To Death
Seán ‘Seánie’ Fitz-’Fitzer’-Patrick (1948-2010) Former chairman of Anglo Irish Bank Sean FitzPatrick has been declared dead from starvation. At a press briefing outside Store Street Garda station, Detective Michael Sanford said that Mr FitzPatrick’s emaciated body was found in the doorway of the Powerscourt Centre in Dublin’s South William Street yesterday morning. “Mr FitzPatrick’s corpse [...]
Weapons, Drugs, Other Cool Shit Seized In Kildare
Holy shit! Look at that! Gardaí investigating a criminal gang have seized two loaded rocket launchers, six pump-action shotguns, €500,000-worth of cocaine and loads of other deadly shit in a warehouse in Co. Kildare. The sight of the top-of-the-range weaponry and class-A drugs provoked gasps of awe in the officers who discovered the illicit treasure [...]
Traveller Brawl Enters Twentieth Month
Scenes like this have continued non-stop for over a year-and-a-half. A riot involving up to 3000 Travellers lasting over a year and a half has left a small town terrified and bereft of hope. Petrol bombs, cudgels, rocks, hurleys, shovels, baseball bats, hatchets, iron bars, and even swords have been used in an ongoing disturbance [...]
Drunken, Sanctimonious Rabble Reduce Dublin Head Shop To Rubble
The remains of the Mellow Submarine head shop this morning. A head shop in south Dublin was burnt to the ground earlier this morning by an “angry, boozed-up mob” of over 30 people. Local gardaí say the destruction of the Mellow Submarine shop on High Street, Tallaght, occured around 1am. Two employees working in the [...]
30,000 Lucky Bastards Remain Stranded Abroad
Stranded Irish enjoying the time spent in a country that isn’t Ireland It is being reported that up to 30,000 Irish people are in the enviable position of being unable to return to Ireland. The Government Taskforce on Emergency Dithering said that thousands of jammy gits are using the ash cloud crisis as an excuse [...]
“I Never Had A Beard” Claims Adams
“My face is as smooth as a baby’s behind.” Sinn Féin President Gerry Adams has again denied allegations he has a beard. Mr Adams mades his denial today after renewed claims were made in the memoirs of a former personal stylist. In his autobiography released this week, senior Belfast hairdresser Raymond “The Razor” Bruce claims [...]
‘April Fool!’ Yells Lenihan Over Multi-Billion Euro Bail Out
“I had yis going though, didn’t I?” Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan described as “absolutely hilarious” people’s reaction to his April Fool’s joke about the €50bn cost of bailing out the banks. Tuesday’s announcement that the overall cost of the Nama project would effectively cripple the country for decades was today revealed as an elaborate [...]
Government Announce €50 Billion Bail-Out of Spice Burger Industry
The government has announced its plans to rescue Ireland’s spice burger industry. The Finglas-based Walsh Family Foods will receive a €50.2 billion injection of capital in order to keep their business afloat. Taoiseach Brian Cowen said the government would not take control of the operation, but senior managers at Walsh’s would be “expected” to take [...]
Lenihan Solves Economic Crisis After Sudden Brainwave
Idea was “staring [him] in the face all this time” The Irish economy was single-handedly rescued from financial ruin today by Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan. In a dramatic flash of political inspiraton, Mr Lenihan decided to charge the petroleum company Royal Dutch Shell a staggering 5% of the value of the natural gas deposits [...]
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