US Congressman Confesses To Sleeping With Wife
By Turlough Delaney on July 23, 2009
“Unacceptable loyalty” on the part of Mr
Daschound
A Vermont Congressman who admitted to being faithful to his wife has resigned as chairman of the Democratic Congressional Association.
Clint Daschound (right) is being replaced by Massachusetts Congressman Robert Kennedy II Snr.
Mr Kennedy, the second of 12 grandsons named Robert from the famed political family, said his predecessor had no choice but to step down in the wake of the revelations:
“It is unacceptable for a Democratic politician to continue to have sex with his middle-aged spouse when he has countless sexual opportunities with so many interns, journalists and other willing young females he would come into contact with in Washington.”
Mr Daschound confessed to his fidelity at a press conference this morning as well as finally revealing his whereabouts for the last several days.
It was assumed he had disappeared to escape the shame that he had spurned other women and continued to have sexual relations with his own wife up till last week.
It emerged that he had fled Washington DC to his home state of Vermont to be with his wife of 31 years.
“I am ashamed to admit I spent the last couple of days crying in the arms of the woman I love,” he said.
Mr Daschound apologised to his secretary Amanda, his PA Barbara and the rest of his female staff whom he had chose not to seduce down the years. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: International Affairs |
Scientist Who Cloned Hundreds of Gazzas Tells Government: “I’ve Made A Terrible Mistake”
By Philip Collins on July 20, 2009
A Newcastle-based scientist has told a government review board that he made “a terrible mistake” when he cloned former footballer Paul Gascoigne more than one hundred times.
131 Gazza clones escaped from Newcastle University campus yesterday, and caused more than four million pounds worth of damage to Newcastle city centre.
Professor Harold Thump, a fanatical Newcastle United supporter, told how he began cloning Gazza halfway through last season, when he thought his beloved football club were heading for the drop zone.
Thump, 48, said he had no idea that the Gazzas would cause so much trouble and that he had done “everything in his power” to ensure that they would remain safely behind locked doors.
The clones escaped however, after an unannounced fire drill resulted in the laboratory doors being left unlocked and unattended by staff.
The professor has begged the review board for leniency, saying he merely wanted to help his favourite team:
“Gazza was the best footballer to ever come out of Newcastle, I only wanted to see him play in a Newcastle jersey again. I thought he could help us stay in the Premier League, I didn’t want any of this to happen! I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
All of the 131 Gazzas have now been rounded up and destroyed by the British Army, who had to be called out as local police officers were overwhelmed as the rampaging cloned louts destroyed several public houses, smashed numerous bus shelters and urinated on thousands of pensioners.
Thump has also claimed the British Army have as a precaution confiscated several clones of Bianca Gascoigne created by ITV. However they are not believed to have been involved in the incident.
Paul Gascoigne has publicly denounced the destruction of his cloned selves, saying he should have been given the chance to adopt them all. “We could have lived together in my house, I’ve always wanted to start my own battered sausage orchestra”.
Mr Gascoigne did not go on to explain what a battered sausage orchestra was.
Topics: International Affairs |
Festival Review: Oxigen ‘09
By Gar O MacNeill on July 16, 2009
Bulimic beauty Lady Gag on the Main Stage Sunday
Howdy doody people! Well let’s not faff about with intros – weren’t the Killers of Leon the absolute, hands-down, completely and totally best band at Oxigen ‘09? They truly are the kings of half-filled stadium rock these day, ain’t no doubt about it.
Anyway, back to impartiality. So, like me, were you a bit worried that this summer’s event might not go ahead after the total disaster that was Oxegen ‘08?
For a while it looked like ‘09 might be scrapped entirely after the controversy last year when Ireland’s biggest music festival (caused by a lethal cocktail of booze, drugs and shit music) turned into Ireland’s biggest land conflict since the Battle of the Boyne!
So fair play to waste management company Oxigen for stepping into the breach after previous sponsors Heineken chickenly pulled out.
The new guys put on an okay show, all things considered, but it was worth it for the homophone alone. Admittedly, the food wasn’t great but at least we had the best toilet facilities ever!
One person who was certainly thankful for quality jacks was anorexic angel Lady Gag. Apparently her rider’s number one stipulation was a personal pristine portaloo all to herself. Y’see Lady is an adherent of Dietology, and the cult’s strict regurgitation requirements means she cannot eat any food with “purging” herself of it an hour and a half later.
Anyway, Lady Gag’s set on the Main Stage was rather slimmed down itself, consisting as it did of a mere two songs – her recent no.1 hit Puker Face followed by a cover of the Girls Aloud classic Sound of the Underfed.
Speaking to Lady after her show she exclusively denied the rumour she is to take the lead role in the upcoming movie remake of the 90s TV show Ally McBulimia: Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Reviews |
Government Announce €50 Billion Bail-Out of Spice Burger Industry
By Turlough Delaney on July 13, 2009
The government has announced its plans to rescue Ireland’s spice burger industry.
The Finglas-based Walsh Family Foods will receive a €50.2 billion injection of capital in order to keep their business afloat.
Taoiseach Brian Cowen said the government would not take control of the operation, but senior managers at Walsh’s would be “expected” to take a salary cut while production on the ground must increase “one-and-a-half fold”.
News of the ailing industry provoked a public outcry at the possibility of their beloved spice burger’s demise.
Walsh Family Food are the sole manufacturer of the spice burger, which was developed by butcher and company founder Maurice Walsh back in the 1950s.
In the intervening years the mighty spice burger became a staple of Irish cuisine, and at the peak of its popularity thirty years ago it was estimated to constitute 70% of the average Irish person’s diet.
Last year’s collapse in confidence within international markets regarding the spice burger’s edibility has led to the company’s present day difficulties.
A rescue plan was proposed at cabinet level three weeks ago when Walsh’s first announced their bankruptcy, however due to initial resistance on the part of Vegan Party ministers the package has only come to fruition now.
Under the deal, the Walsh Foods will have to suspend production of non-spice burger related goods in order to increase output of their core product. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
‘Wigger’ Protests Against Chinese Government Spill Into Violence
By Turlough Delaney on July 10, 2009
Vanilla Ice, spokesdude for the World Wigger
Congress.
Violence in China’s northern region of Hepjiang has left at least 500 people critically injured, according to state media.
Several hundred people were arrested yesterday after a protest in the city of Urbanqi descended into violence.
Beijing claims Wigger students went on the rampage in the city centre – however one exiled Wigger leader says it began when the authorities fired on the protesters.
The protest was reportedly prompted by a bad-tempered dance off between Wiggers and their Han Chinese neighbours in northern China last month.
Eyewitnesses say the violence started on Wednesday in Urbanqi after a demonstration by several hundred black-wannabe whites grew to more than 2000.
According to the government they were carrying weapons, including bricks and batons. State police claim a number protesters pointed guns turned on their side like Snoop Dogg at any Chinese they encountered.
Most of the disturbances are reported to have taken place in the city centre, around Rakim Square.
The violence has not arrived out of the blue. Its root cause is the ethnic tension between the immigrant Wiggers and the native Han Chinese.
This stretches back to the 1940s when thousands of ‘hipsters’ fled the US and Western Europe to the northern Chinese region of Hepjiang where they could be free to live their their chosen lifestyle in peace.
Their new homeland became part of the People’s Republic of China after the 1949 revolution, however Hepjiang was designated an autonomous region due to the fact that the majority of the population at the time was white negro. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: International Affairs |
Lenihan Solves Economic Crisis After Sudden Brainwave
By Cian O Breen on July 8, 2009
Idea was “staring [him] in the face all this time”
The Irish economy was single-handedly rescued from financial ruin today by Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan.
In a dramatic flash of political inspiraton, Mr Lenihan decided to charge the petroleum company Royal Dutch Shell a staggering 5% of the value of the natural gas deposits they are extracting from the Corrib gas fields off the coast of Mayo.
“It was weird – the idea just struck me out of the blue, as if from nowhere,” explained the Minister.
“For months me and my cabinet colleagues have been thoroughly stumped by this godforsaken recession, and then bang! It just hit me – the Corrib gas fields! How could I have been so stupid?
“All this time the solution to our financial woes was there staring me in the face and I didn’t see it.”
When looking into the matter further, Mr Lenihan discovered that in 2003 former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern granted exclusive exploration rights of the Corrib gas field to Shell (along with free security from the Gardaí and Defense Forces) in exchange for a can of coke and a packet of smoky bacon Tayto crisps.
“With hindsight, I can’t say it was a good idea.” concedes Mr Lenihan.
“But to be fair to Bertie, the State was rolling in money at the time due to the property boom. So taking a cut of the gas profits seemed a little mean I suppose. Even though the gas is located in Irish waters and by rights belongs to the Irish people…
“Besides, I absolutely love Tayto crisps as well – though I do prefer cheese and onion – so I can’t really blame Bertie for accepting Shell’s offer.” Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
Economic News: Unemployment Level Reaches 30-Minute High
By Turlough Delaney on July 2, 2009
Some people who object to being
unemployed
Ireland’s official unemployment rate has reached its highest level in 30 minutes, according to the CSO’s latest Panicky National Survey.
The Central Statistics Office say almost 253,015 people were officially unemployed by 11.16 a.m. this morning, an increase of almost 0.004% since approximately 10.48 a.m.
This pushes the bi-hourly adjusted unemployment rate to 12.004%.
The new figure was accounted for by today’s closure of a building supplier in Carlow leaving 15 people jobless.
That meant the total number of people with jobs was down 0.0075%, or 15, between the last quarter of the 11th and the first quarter of the 12th hour this morning.
This broadly confirms the claim by the CSO that the construction sector was the worst hit during that half hour window of economic activity.
However, the education sector actually recorded an increase in the same time period, mostly due to the 11a.m. opening of a new language school in Galway city which is employing three people.
Consumer Confidence “Up”
A new survey by the Malevolence and Stupidity Research Institute has revealed that consumer confidence has actually increased in recent weeks despite the job losses and tax hikes.
Economist Aughden Hissop of the MRSI says Irish retailers are reporting a gradual return to Celtic Tiger-era levels of confident behaviour amongst people during their shopping trips. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
Five New ‘Man Flu’ Cases Reported In Pigs
By Turlough Delaney on June 29, 2009
A pig from a Co. Antrim farm has contracted Man flu according to reports.
The male pig, who was examined by a vet earlier today, was denied treatment and made to go back out foraging by his farmer Samuel Dunwoody.
The animal began snorting in discomfort after he and his fellow hogs were exposed to a man in the early hours of the morning.
A 22-year old youth had broken onto the farm and drunkenly ran around the sty for several minutes before being caught and ejected by the farmer’s son.
However none of the other pigs showed signs of ill-effect, leading Mr Dunwoody to believe that his stricken animal was only “playing up” its suffering.
Four other new cases of M1N1, or Man flu, have also been confirmed, bringing to 14 the total number of pigs overstating their symptoms in Northern Ireland.
The North’s Agriculture Minister Michelle Gildernew said she was confident the pigs in question had only the caught common cold and were merely looking for sympathy:
“Need I remind you that all five of them are male. And male pigs are notorious for exaggerating when they become sick. Certainly compared to their female counterparts anyway,” she said.
“Any farmer can tell you that the sows will go about their duties come hell or high water, while the boars will use any excuse to go back to bed… typical bloody men.”
Charlene McGonigle, Director of Swineherd Infection Control said she believed that the increase of Man flu cases in boars “would very likely” cause a similar rise in migraines among females “as they endure endless hypocritical whinging from the chauvinist male pigs”.
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
World In Mourning After Death of Farrah Fawcett
By Turlough Delaney on June 26, 2009
Farrah Fawcett, 1970s icon and hugely successful television star, died yesterday at the age of 62.
The US actress achieved global stardom appearing in the Charlie’s Angels TV series, and went on to cement her iconic status in a number of television dramas and stage roles.
Hundreds of people converged on the Los Angeles hospital where she was being treated as word spread that she had passed away.
Tributes from around the world have since poured in.
US President and famous fan Barack Obama gave his reaction:
He told reporters: “I am absolutely devastated since hearing this sad and tragic news.”
He said Fawcett “had it all – the charm, the talent, the dedication and of course, the looks.”
He added: “It’s like I’ve lost a loved one today, and part of my youth has gone with her.”
Oprah Winfrey, the TV presenter and friend of Fawcett for 30 years, called on people from around the world “to pray for Farrah and her family.”
Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei took time out from suppressing the popular uprising in his country to leave this message on Facebook:
“I am greatly saddened at the death of Farrah Fawcett. Like many men in the 1970s, I had the famous poster of her in the red bathing suit on my wall. I would often look to it for inspiration during our nation’s struggle against the hated Shah.”
Pop star Michael Jackson also paid his respects hours before his own death yesterday evening: “I am devastated to hear the news about Farrah Fawcett. I’ll never forget her as long as I live.”
Topics: Arts & Culture |
Date Set For Bernard Dunne-Paul Simon Fight In Croke Park
By Philip Collins on June 22, 2009
Bernard Dunne has announced the date for his long awaited bout with Paul Simon this summer, the two will square off in Croke Park on the 30th of August.
The announcement was made this afternoon at a press conference in Dublin’s Skylon Hotel in Drumcondra. And with both Dunne and Simon present, it was a very tense affair.
“I’ve been waiting for this fight for a long time, there’s a few things we need to sort out in the ring on August 30th,” remarked Dunne, in an unashamedly confrontational manner.
Simon was also talking tough: “I don’t have much time for this shit house country, I hate you Irish bugs, so I’ll be back here next August to beat your champ, take his belt and be on the next flight home.”
The two have been trying to organise a head-to-head for several years now, however with contractual obligations with other fighters, the date has remained in limbo, that is until today.
The bad blood between the pair has dated back to Dunne’s 2005 fight with Yuri Voronin in the National Stadium. Simon was ringside for that fight, and Dunne claims that as he was celebrating his victory Simon threw his ‘wank sock’ at him shouting: “I pissed on your Ma’s dick.”
Simon denied the claims: “I’m a fucking Jew, it’s against my deeply held religious beliefs to own a wank sock”. Instead he alleged Dunne started the feud when he refused to introduce Simon to his childhood hero Bertie Ahern.
Whatever the cause of the disagreement, one thing is for sure, the fight is sure to be a box office hit, with Paul Simon’s management team originally demanding that the fight take place in Caeser’s Palace in Las Vegas.
However the Dunne crew pulled off a major coup by securing Croke Park as the venue for the fight. Already dubbed “the Corker in Croker” by the press – Sky, who won the exclusive television rights to the fight, are going with “The Jew vs. The Mick”.
Simon is said to be training since last month for the fight, where as Dunne has announced that he will commence training next week. Paddy Power have given Simon 5000/1 to win the fight as he’s 67 years old.
Topics: Sport |
