KKK Now Lynching ‘Socialists’
By Turlough Delaney on July 27, 2010
Klansmen warn about the ‘socialist’ danger to America
Right wing organisation the Ku Klux Klan is to launch a new lynching campaign in the US, this time targeting what it describes as “uppity socialists”.
The campaign was announced today via video message on the KKK website. An anonymous Klansman delivered the message to camera flanked by two associates, all of whom were dressed in the group’s trademark white robes and hood.
“Ever since the godless socialist Barack Obama fraudulently seized the White House in 2008, he and his kind now think the United States of America is theirs to rule as they see fit.
“Well we’re not gonna stand idly by and let a bunch of cotton-pickin’ commies take our great nation away from us. No siree bob.”
This will be the Klan’s first nationwide lynching program since their violent opposition to the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s. However, this time around they say black people are not their target, instead they aim to deal with “our nation’s socialist problem”.
The spokesman goes on to urge all Klan members and supporters to take up arms and ropes “immediately” as there is “little time to lose”.
“The longer we sit back and do nothing the more time they have to corrupt our country in their image – for instance, replace the red, white and blue with a red, black and blue; or scrap the national anthem in favour of a vulgar rap song. This is what is at stake here people.” Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: International Affairs |
Haiti “Doing Just Great” – Report
By Turlough Delaney on July 20, 2010
A photo of happy Haitian children to help ease your
conscience.
Over six months since the earthquake that left more than 300,000 Haitians dead, a new United Nations report says the Caribbean state is “getting along fine” and that its people are “doing just great.”
The report, which was welcomed by UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon and other world leaders, confirms the international community has “been largely successful in grasping the opportunity to re-invent Haiti for the better”.
On the streets of Port-au-Prince today, a city effectively levelled after the earthquake hit in January, its inhabitants’ cheerful disposition seems to bare that conclusion out.
Walk down any of the capital’s main thoroughfares you are at first struck by the scale of destruction and debris. But once you get used to that you soon notice something else – smiling faces. Everywhere ordinary people are working together in the spirit of cooperation and hard work.
“By any measure this a remarkable turnaround,” says Joanne Mangan the programme officer for Irish charity Console. “The rebuilding process has united Haitians in a way that politics has consistently failed to do.
“Considering the destruction and tragedy wrought earlier this year, everybody is being looked after and are now living together in peace and harmony. The people who donated money from around the world can stop worrying now.”
On a wooden bench outside a half-built school some children sit alert and laughing, waiting to talk to someone about the miraculous turnaround in their lives. Some yards away French workers who are building the school hand out sweets as they banter with the kids. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: International Affairs |
Destitute FitzPatrick Starves To Death
By Turlough Delaney on July 13, 2010
Seán ‘Seánie’ Fitz-’Fitzer’-Patrick (1948-2010)
Former chairman of Anglo Irish Bank Sean FitzPatrick has been declared dead from starvation.
At a press briefing outside Store Street Garda station, Detective Michael Sanford said that Mr FitzPatrick’s emaciated body was found in the doorway of the Powerscourt Centre in Dublin’s South William Street yesterday morning.
“Mr FitzPatrick’s corpse was discovered by security at 6:30 a.m. Monday morning. Initial examinations suggest he had been dead for approximately 36 hours,” Det. Sanford said.
“This has since been confirmed by the coroner’s office. Severe malnutrition has been identified as the chief cause of death, no doubt due to Mr FitzPatrick’s impoverished lifestyle over the last 12 months.”
Controversial banker Seán “Seánie” FitzPatrick was known to be living rough on the streets of Dublin since the spring of last year.
In December of 2008 he was forced to resign his position as chairman of Anglo Irish Bank when revelations of secret loans from the bank to Mr FitzPatrick were made public. The High Court had given him several months to repay the loans totalling €110m.
Having failed to do so Mr FitzPatrick had all his assets and possessions seized – including his home(s), car, clothing, furniture, bedding and work tools – in the name of the Irish taxpayer.
Once the poster boy for Ireland’s flamboyant ‘Celtic Tiger’ generation, Fitzpatrick was reduced to wandering the streets in little more than rags. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
World Cup 2010: RTE’s ‘Golden Generation’ Analysts Crash Out Of World Cup Ratings War
By Turlough Delaney on July 7, 2010
Giles and Souness squabble over who was the hardest as a
player.
Football pundit Ronnie Whelan has admitted RTE’s panel need to have a “good look at themselves in the mirror” following their disappointing performance analysing this year’s World Cup.
RTE were knocked off the top of the ratings after losing out to the BBC in the coverage of Holland’s semi-final clash with Uruguay.
Since the tournament began last month, the much-trumpeted Golden Generation, featuring analysts John Giles, Eamon Dunphy and Liam Brady, have come under much criticism from both fans and the press for their percieved luckluster performances.
“We weren’t up to scratch during Ireland’s recent friendlies against Algeria and Paraguay,” admits Whelan. “Preparation was non-existent but we were confident our form would return before the start of the World Cup proper.”
However the top level analysis we have seen from this team in the past failed to materialize and punditry on the group stage matches was rife with lapses of concentration and indecision, leading to increased petty squabbling amongst the panel at crucial moments.
A new low was reached when a hungover Dunphy vomited over the desk halfway through a poorly conceived rant about the merits of Paraguay and Japan in their second round meeting.
Critics claim that a level of complacency had been creeping into the RTE punditry for some months now, and that the overpaid and overindulged superstar panelists had let pre-tournament hype go to their heads. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Sport |
World Cup 2010: FIFA Expel Japanese Midfielder Honda In ‘Ambush Marketing’ Ploy
By Daithi Rudiger on June 28, 2010
Footballer Keisuke Honda (right) has been controversially sent home from the World Cup in what FIFA have described as “a grossly vile attempt by the player at scoring an advantage for his nameske company”.
The 24-year old midfielder’s expulsion comes after attempts by football’s governing body and the Japanese FA to work out a compromise broke down yesterday evening.
A spokesman for FIFA confirmed that the Japanese football federation was approached with suggested alternative names for the player, including Keisuke Kia, Keisuke Hyundai, Keisuke Kia/Hyundai and Keisuke Sony.
When all these suggestions were rejected by the player, due to what FIFA described as “some misguided sense of honour and family loyalty” they took the step of calling for the player to be withdrawn.
This development follows the removal of a group of 36 Dutch women from the crowd of Holland’s match against Denmark at Soccer City Stadium in Johannesburg two weeks ago after a supposed “ambush marketing” campaign.
The girls were arrested by the South African police, resulting in worldwide coverage of the event and massive amounts of advertising for Bavaria Beer – Holland’s Premium Beer™ – at the expense of the other one…you know, the one that pays millions to FIFA every year to advertise with them.
Though the controversy is still ongoing, some online conspiracy theorists have already put forward alternative motives for FIFA’s actions. One member of the internet community boredom.ie suggested that FIFA wanted to scupper any chance Japan might have of actually winning the World Cup by removing one of the team’s free-kick specialists. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Sport |
World Cup 2010: 85th Minute Kaka Flush Fails To Scutter Brazil
By Margaret Hamm on June 21, 2010
Despite the sending off classy Brazil proved they are the shit.
Brazil 3 – 1 Côte d’Ivoire
In the bowels of Soccer City last night Brazil booked their place in the second round of the World Cup after a comfortable, if uninspiring, win over Ivory Coast.
Despite Kaka’s controversial sending off the Samba Boys had too much for their opponents – this result effectively dumping the West Africans out of the tournament.
Manager Dunga opted to stick with the same team from their opening match, meaning under fire forward Turdinho kept his place in the Brazilian attack.
Speculation suggested 19-year old Gicki, rising star of Brazilian club Excremento, would be handed his World Cup debut in the wake of the Premier League striker’s recent dry spell.
Bad form towards the business end of last season led to Turdinho being dropped from Arsenal’s starting eleven.
With Kaka playing in the hole behind the front two, Brazil were looking for more cutting edge than they showed against North Korea.
The game started slowly, threatening at points to descend into one of the ponderous matches that have so far defined this World Cup. That came to an end in the twenty-fifth minute as Dudu squeezed through the Ivorian defence laying the ball on for a viciously struck Luis Diarria goal. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Sport |
Barry Chuckle’s Corpse Exhumed To Confirm Death
By Philip Collins on June 16, 2010
Barry ‘Chuckle’ Elliott OBE shortly before his
passing in 2008.
The body of Barry Chuckle has been exhumed today amid what the Chuckle family have called “horribly upsetting rumours” about the comedian being alive and well.
Rumours surfaced this week in the British Sun, claiming that Barry was in fact refuting claims he had passed away two years ago and was happily living in Rotherham.
Since then the story has gotten widely out of hand, with one Barry impostor even going so far as to set up a fake twitter page, to tweet to gullible young fans of the BBC show saying that he is Barry Chuckle and he is “glad to be alive”.
Barry’s brother Paul has said the media storm has made him feel ill: “I can’t believe any person would find it funny to say that Barry is alive, what’s funny about that? People today just want to make it into the papers, that’s all they care about, controversy! They don’t care who they hurt. Our mother is 115 years old, she doesn‘t need this shit.”
Two years ago Gubuwire broke the news that shook the comedy world – that Barry had died of a heart attack in a brothel in Belfast. Despite this, a recent poll on Sky News showed that a massive 76% of Britons believe Barry is in full health.
This shockingly stupid statistic has caused Paul Chuckle to go the extreme act of exhuming Barry’s body and printing the shocking photos of his badly decomposed body on the cover of today’s Guardian newspaper. Paul was also given full editorial control over the headline, which read in block capitals “LOOK, HE‘S REALLY FUCKING DEAD, YOU IDIOTS!”
Later in the issue, Paul wrote further about his brother’s death and the ordeal which followed:
“Barry died in horribly embarrassing circumstances two years ago, since then our families have had a torrid time with the bastard English press invading every aspect of our private lives. Possibly the lowest moment came last year, after the now infamous Channel Four’s Dispatches programme about Barry’s death Barry Chuckle: To Me, To You, To The Brothel, To The Grave.
“This programme was inaccurate and insensitive so we have started legal proceedings against Channel Four and the production company in question. Lastly, myself and my family, and Barry‘s family would like to extend our thanks and unending gratitude to the Guardian for allowing us this opportunity to tell our side of the story. Barry was a long time Guardian reader, he even contributed a regular theatre review over a period between 1936-39, and we have always acknowledged the support the paper gave our BBC programme Chucklevision.”
Related articles: Barry Chuckle Found Dead in Belfast Brothel
Topics: Arts & Culture |
Jedward Cancel Israeli Concert In Flotilla Deaths Protest
By Turlough Delaney on June 9, 2010
Pop stars John and Edward Grimes have pulled out of a concert in Israel due to what they descibed as “concerns over the Israeli-Palestinian conflict”.
The twin brothers, together known as ‘Jedward’, were due to perform later this summer in Tel Aviv, but have cancelled in the wake of last week’s attack on the Gaza-bound aid flotilla.
The Lucan natives, who came to prominence on Britain’s X-Factor talent show, claimed their decision was taken after an “intense period of moral contemplation” and that the nine flotilla killings were “the last straw”.
They were due to perform as part of the Heebapalooza pop music festival in August.
In October of last year Jedward took leave from the X-Factor boot camp to attend a lecture in Trinity College by US academic Noam Chomsky – despite the disapproval of Simon Cowell.
Their statement today said: “Performing in Israel in the current climate may be interpreted by some as a highly political act, symbolically speaking.
“For this reason we saw no other alternative than to cancel the upcoming event on the grounds of our deep opposition to the policies of the current Israeli government specifically regarding their treatment of the Palestinian people in the Occupied Territories and beyond.”
They also apologised to sponsors and event organisers, before going on to acknowledge the deep mutual affection between the be-quiffed brothers and their “loyal” Israeli fans.
“We would hope they understand that in making this gesture our quarrel is not with them but with IDF war criminals and their allies in the disgraced Netanyahu administration. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Arts & Culture |
Weapons, Drugs, Other Cool Shit Seized In Kildare
By Turlough Delaney on June 2, 2010
Holy shit! Look at that!
Gardaí investigating a criminal gang have seized two loaded rocket launchers, six pump-action shotguns, €500,000-worth of cocaine and loads of other deadly shit in a warehouse in Co. Kildare.
The sight of the top-of-the-range weaponry and class-A drugs provoked gasps of awe in the officers who discovered the illicit treasure at Longtime House close to Punchestown.
The Army bomb disposal squad who were called out were also deeply impressed by the lethal stash.
Gardaí from the Organised Crime Unit were giddy with excitement as they raided the premises in a follow-up search after two Al Pacino wannabes were arrested yesterday.
The men, who were picked up in a vehicle on the Clane Road yesterday, informed Gardaí of the sensational stash of drugs and shooters hidden nearby.
A follow up search in the Rathcoole area most likely prevented the occurance of a massive coke-fueled shoot-out in the lobby of some garishly decorated mansion between rival gangsters each armed with two AK’s in both hands.
It is understood the arrests and seizures are connected to a Dublin gang whose members probably all have nicknames like Billy the Mermaid, the Fat Controller, the VIP, Specky Bastard O’Rourke and such.
Fine Gael’s justice spokesman Charlie Flanagan said the discovery of the illegal items was “an amazing reminder” of some of the coolest gangster films ever made.
“This find proves that our home grown criminals nowadays are on a par with Joe Pesci in Goodfellas and De Niro in the Untouchables in their over-the-top viciousness. And that’s kind of cool in a way, isn’t it?”
Justice Minister Dermot Ahern concurred by pointing out the dramatic potential of the story:
“I actually think a really great film about this feud is just waiting to be made. It’d be absolutely brilliant – with all the guns and drugs and violence and shit. Just think – ‘say hello to me little buddy’, and then BANG-BANG-BANG! Blood everywhere…
“You could see Colin Farrell in it, couldn’t you? Just wasting motherfuckers left, right and centre – it’d be rapid!”
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
Back Injury Scuppers Bono’s £50 Million Manchester City Transfer
By Turlough Delaney on May 25, 2010
Only days after undergoing emergency surgery for a back injury U2 singer Bono was hit with the news that his proposed move to Manchester City has been scrapped.
A posting on the band’s website today confirmed negotiations with the big-spending Premier League club had been “put on hold”.
“Bono has left hospital today to begin recuperation of his back problem. Needless to say, his scheduled medical at the City of Manchester Stadium next month will not be going ahead.
“He is disappointed that talks have broke down but right now his main concern is regaining full fitness,” the statemant said.
The 50-year old frontman was being lined up as replacement goalkeeper for compatriot Shay Given after the Donegal man sustained a broken shoulder in a Premier League match in April. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Arts & Culture |
