Controversy As Ice Cube Releases Non-Controversial Album
By Philip Collins on July 5, 2008
Topics: News-In-Pictures |
Cowen Says He’ll Fix The Economy “Next Week”
By Turlough Delaney on July 4, 2008
The Taoiseach Brian Cowen has said he will get round to dealing with the current economic downturn “next week, if I can”.
A clearly exasperated Mr Cowen told the Dáil that he definitely won’t have time to properly digest the half-year Exchequer figures “as they were only published this week”.
“How do you expect me to have a in-depth knowledge of everything inside that detailed 25-page budgetary report already? These things take time you know, so just let me get on with it at my own pace. I’ll have decided on a plan of action for the next meeting, okay? Happy now?”
Mr Cowen went on to “swear” that he would come into to the Dáil next week to outline his position on the current crisis in public confidence.
However Labour leader Eamon Gilmore failed to extract a promise from the truculent Taoiseach that he would “100% definitely turn-up” next week with a “substantial” course of action for the ongoing financial hullabaloo.
Mr Gilmore went on to severely chastise the government for their “dilly-dallying” on the economy: “It’s time to pull the finger out guys - you’ve been putting it off and putting it off for months now. The current economic situation presently at hand can no longer be ignored – am I right or am I right? What? Bloody right I am.”
Throughout Deputy Gilmore’s speech, nobody from the government front benches would make eye contact with him, instead they either looked down guiltily at the floor, kept their eyes on their notes or stared straight ahead pretending not to listen. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
Lynott Frozen In Carbonite, Authorities Reveal
By Margaret Hamm on July 3, 2008
DUBLIN – According to an announcement made by Gardaí this morning legendary Irish rocker Phil Lynott could be alive and well, albeit stuck in a hitherto little known type of suspended animation.
The discovery was made late on Tuesday night by the State Pathologist, Dr. Marie Cassidy, outside a Dublin night spot.
Experts now believe that the former Thin Lizzy frontman is “frozen” in carbonite, a rare and mysterious element, about which almost nothing is known. People who have been treated with the substance take on a bronzed, statuesque quality.
“I was in Bruxelles for a few bevies after clocking off” explained Dr. Cassidy. “I went outside for a fag and there was this thing”, she said, inclining her head towards Lynott.
Experts, the State Pathologist included, have been trying to figure out how to reverse the process since the discovery was made. All attempts so far have been fruitless.
“The good news is this” says Dr. Cassidy, “from what we can gather the person inside is definitely alive. It seems that this is a technique perfected by someone a long time ago. Unfortunately we are still far, far away from the type of technology that will reverse the treatment.”
Meanwhile artist Paul Daly has been taken into custody by Gardaí, who believe he may have had some involvement in the incident. Daly claims to have somehow created the figure of Lynott through a process known as “sculpting”.
Since the discovery it appears as if other victims of carbonite treatment have also been found.
“There have been reports of Oscar Wilde, Charles Stuart Parnell and James Joyce all having been affected by carbonite” said Dr. Cassidy. “Unfortunately they’re all going to have to stay like this for the moment but hopefully one day, far into the future, we’ll find a way to reverse this. And have a really ace dinner party.”
Topics: Arts & Culture |
Quarter of Garda Recruits Will Be Cardboard Cut-Outs By 2018 Says Commissioner
By Turlough Delaney on July 2, 2008
A ‘Guardboard’ patrol car in operation last weekend
Garda Commissioner Fachtna Murphy yesterday revealed plans to introduce cardboard officers into the Garda ranks, and how within a decade he expects 25% of all recruits to be of the cut-out variety.
This announcement follows the success of cut-out garda patrol cars left near major roadsides in deceiving passing motorists into slowing down.
“The overwhelming success of the cardboard squad cars has both shocked and delighted us in equal measure. We here in the Garda Síochána always believe the most effective deterrent is also the most simple one, and so it has proved again,” he said.
“It wasn’t long before we recognised that in this tactic we had found an avenue that led to other roads of potential possibilities,” continued the commissioner as he rose from his chair.
“So now, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I’d like to introduce you to the very latest in cutting-edge cardboard technology – the cut-out Garda officer!”
With that, two human Guards entered the press conference carrying between them a lifesize cardboard cut-out of a fully uniformed Garda officer.
“Meet, Garda John Smith. There’ll be 14 more COs (cut outs) like him on our nation’s streets before the month is out,” announced Mr Murphy, as cameramen and photographers jostled to get pictures of the Garda Síochána’s newest recruit.
He then explained the thinking behind Garda Smith: “The cut-out cars prove how merely the presence of police, without recourse to actual police work, was enough to deter people from speeding. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
Cowen Congratulates Mugabe On Landslide Election Victory
By Philip Collins on July 1, 2008
Taoiseach Brian Cowen has sent a message of congratulations to newly elected President of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe.
In the message, Mr Cowen told President Mugabe that the whole of Ireland wished him the best of luck in his latest tenure as Zimbabwe’s head of state.
Mr Cowen also made a brief statement to the Dáil today in which he expressed his delight at Mr Mugabe’s re-election:
“Members of the chamber, I’d hope you will all join me in wishing Mr Mugabe the best of luck after his landslide victory in the latest Zimbabwean election, although nobody’s quite sure by what majority he won the election, but I’m certain it was a sizable one. Such is his popularity with the people of Zimbabwe.”
The Taoiseach then led an impromptu congratulatory sing-along for the African leader: “Altogether everyone… For he‘s a jolly good fellow, for he‘s a jolly good fellow, for he‘s a jolly good fellooooowww and so say all of us…. hip hip hooray hip hip hooray!”
Labour leader Eamon Gilmore echoed the Taoiseach’s sentiments saying: “Robert Mugabe is an amazing statesman, and one of the world’s most prominent socialist leaders. After twenty eight years in power he has ushered the country through some very difficult times, even today he is single handedly dragging Zimbabwe and its people through the current economic crisis, which as we all know, has been deliberately set upon the country by the bleedin’ Brits and the bleedin’ Yanks!” Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: International Affairs |
US Court Overturns Ban On Acid-Filled Super Soakers
By Turlough Delaney on June 30, 2008
Under the ruling, super soakers filled with acid such as these
can be legally held in a private individual’s home
The Supreme Court of the United States has ruled unconstitutional a ban on pressurised water pistols filled with hydrochloric acid in Washington DC.
The sitting judges, in a 6-3 decision, upheld a lower court ruling striking down the ban on lethal ’super soakers’. They said citizens had a right to carry water pistols filled with highly corrosive solutions for personal use.
It is the first such case mediated by the court in years and is believed will impact on laws relating to acid-squirting implements across the US.
The precise meaning of the right to own and bear arms in America has been debated and argued over for decades, in particular what actually constitutes ‘arms’.
These kind heavy duty water guns first went on the market in 1989 so it is safe to say that the authors of the 2nd Amendment did not have the super soaker in mind when they originally drew up the controversial constitutional clause.
However, opponents of the ban say a super soaker filled with hydrochloric acid would prove “highly effective” in a number of situations e.g. incapacitating a home intruder, bringing down game on a hunt, overthrowing a tyrannical government - and therefore should be permitted on constitutional grounds.
Since 1996, the private possession of acid-filled water pistols had been prohibited in the nation’s capital, while large-scale super soakers with air pressure propulsion systems had been required to be locked away or dismantled. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: International Affairs |
MBE For Eastenders’ Wellard On Queen’s Birthday Honours List
By Turlough Delaney on June 28, 2008
Topics: News-In-Pictures |
Whistle-Blowers Battle It Out For Golden Whistle Award
By Leopold Gloom on June 27, 2008
The much sought after ‘golden whistle’.
Whistle-blowing - the phenomenon whereby the lies and corruption of governments the world over are uncovered by ex civil servants – has taken a strange and unexpected turn.
In the hope of finding the world’s best whistle-blower, Wembley Stadium will next week stage the first World Whistle-Blowing Championships.
Randy Glass, the brain behind the event, admits that the art of whistle-blowing is a deeply competitive field.
“There is so much in-fighting in the sport of whistle-blowing. People don’t realise the lengths that some people go to in order to be a celebrated whistle-blower.”
“I know of civil servants and intelligence agents who have invented conspiracies and cover-ups in order to be the talk of the whistle-blowing community. They get on the cover of Blowers Weekly and think that they’re made. We hope that this competition will separate the wheat from the chaff. We’re looking for the best of the genuine.”
Miranda Seaward, former PA of Tony Blair and one of the bookies favourites to lift the coveted trophy next week, entered the limelight when she blew the whistle on the former British Prime Minister’s shopping habits.
In what is rightly viewed as the most shocking news story of 2006, Seaward spilled the beans on Blair using his expenses account to pay for his weekly milk delivery at Downing Street rather than paying for it out of his own pocket.
“I started working for the Labour Party because I viewed them as one of the last bastions of integrity and truth in our ever-decaying society”, Seaward says. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: International Affairs |
Retraction…
By Philip Collins on June 26, 2008
Sir Anthony O’Reilly - not a serial
killer
On Wednesday 1 August 2007, Gubuwire posted an article claiming we had procured evidence conclusively proving that CEO of Independent News and Media (Sir) Anthony O’Reilly was responsible for the disappearance of over 50 women in the Republic of Ireland over the last twenty five years.
This has since been found to be completely untrue.
In said article, we (falsely) stated that Mr O’Reilly had used the cryptic crossword clues in his Irish Independent newspaper to leave equally cryptic hints to the whereabouts of the bodies of his victims. We went on to erroneously report how he had disposed of the bodies, as well as details of the “sick and twisted” ordeals he inflicted on the unfortunate women as he brutally tortured them to death.
This is also untrue.
Also in this article we alleged that Mr O’Reilly had committed the murders at the request of the Queen Elizabeth II, in a bizarre sacrificial ritual he had to perform in order to earn his knighthood. It was also suggested that his offering of over twenty innocent women had greatly impressed Her Majesty.
This too, as we are now aware, is also untrue.
Furthermore, we mistakenly described how in 1986 Sir Anthony had actually been taken into custody by Gardaí after being apprehended in the process of kidnapping a 21-year woman - but managed to “pull some strings” with contacts of his in the Irish political establishment and British Intelligence to secure his release and expunge all details of his arrest from the official records.
Needless to say, this has also been proven absolutely false.
Since that article went to print, our source, who we cannot name (Gerry Ryan) has been committed to the Central Mental Hospital in Dundrum where he has been diagnosed with a severe personality disorder which renders it impossible for him to take any further part in society.
On behalf of the entire staff at Gubuwire we would like apologise wholeheartedly if any offence was caused by this misunderstanding, the reporter in question has been severely reprimanded for such terrible judgment.
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
Man Pleads Guilty To Murdering Kebab
By Turlough Delaney on June 25, 2008
A man with a self-confessed love of döner kebabs faces a fine and community service work for “murdering into” one of the popular Turkish dishes in a appallingly disgusting manner on a Dublin city street in the early hours of Sunday May 20th.
Willo McCauley (aged 38) of Lilo’s Lane, Blackguardstown pleaded guilty to horrifically consuming a kebab on Dame Street with the effect of severely traumatising several members of the public who witnessed the act, including two passing Gardaí.
After being intercepted before finishing his hideous devourment McCauley told the Guards that he had just purchased the kebab from Iskanders and that he had no choice but to eat outside as the fast food establishment “was black”.
Garda Dennis Twomey agreed with defence counsel, Mr Colwin O’Gibbons SC, that Mr McCauley did not intend any racist connotations from his reply, instead using it as a figure of speech to indicate that Iskanders was crowded with people.
Garda Twomey said he “broadly went along” with the defence’s assertion that Mr McCauley - although extremely intoxicated at the time - was only acting in a vicious manner toward his meal, not to innocent bystanders.
He went onto describe how he and his colleague had to overcome the strong urge to vomit while arresting Mr McCauley as he had “extensive Kebab viscera” covering his face and shoulders.
The defendant admitted his rational faculties had deserted him, but that it was due to his being “absolutely bleedin’ wall-falling with the hunger on me”.
“I didn’t think about how I was appearing to anyone else. I just thought it looked like the most delicious thing in the world and had to get inside me as fast as I could,” he told the court.
Judge Barry Goodun said he was satisfied Mr McCauley was not in control of his own actions on the night in question. However, he said the defendant was guilty of “adopting in a terrifyingly feral disposition” with no regard for anyone else when he “mentally regressed to level of a wild cur”.
Summing up, Mr Justice Goodun ‘judged’ that the defendant bore no malicious intent to nauseate other members of the public, and as such remanded McCauley on bail to be sentenced to fine and community service.
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
