Hurricane Sandy Endorses Obama
Posted by Turlough Delaney on November 6, 2012
The superstorm recently admitted it had been a registered Democrat since its inception in October.
The Category 1 tropical storm outlined in a press release today how the Republican challenger’s “consistent failure” to back climate change measures have left it no choice but to endorse the president.
Sandy praised Mr Obama for “having made some progress” towards tackling climate change.
“We need a leader who is willing to at least acknowledge the threat of global warming and climate change, so measures can be put in place to prevent the kind of damge that I wrought last week.”
The hurricane combined its endorsement with withering critque of Mr Romney, whom it said had supported moves against global warming in the past but had since reversed his position “in a cynical attempt to gain the Republican nomination.”
In a moving passage, Sandy said that Mr Romney had previously taken “sensible positions” on immigration, illegal guns, abortion rights and healthcare, “but had abandoned them all in his quest to make Bible-thumping hillbillies vote for him.” Read more
Lance Armstrong Guilty Of Using Drugs In Cancer Battle Claims USADA
Posted by Turlough Delaney on November 5, 2012
How dare he?
A year-long investigation by the USADA found that Armstrong had tested positive for the drugs cisplatin and carboplatin as part of his treatment for the testicular cancer he was diagnosed with in the mid-1990s.
Seven of Armstrong’s former doctors and urologists at clinics and hospitals in Austin, Texas testified against him.
Agency chief executive Travis T Tygart claimed there was “conclusive, undeniable and overwhelming proof” of a consultant-run treatment conspiracy around Armstrong.
“We have found proof beyond reasonable doubt the Lance Armstrong engaged in serial cheating through the use, administration and trafficking of recovery-enhancing drugs and methods when fighting cancer in 1996 and 1997.”
“Armstrong and his chemo co-conspirators who sought to achieve their goal through massive medical fraud are now fully exposed. So ends one of the most sordid chapters in cancer history.” Read more
Crowds Flock To Abbey Theatre As Jedward Flex Their Acting Muscles
Posted by Christopher Akabusi on January 10, 2012
Even before people had entered the auditorium of the Abbey Theatre, the screaming had begun.
At the side of the building, a sizeable crowd gathers beneath a dressing-room window and lets out a shrill gasp everytime John or Edward Grimes leans out and gives them a wave.
It’s opening night for Jedward as they star in a brand new production of Harold Pinter’s The Caretaker. It is clear that this was never going to be a tough crowd for the prodigal twins.
The play begins with the Lucan-born brothers dancing in their energetic, appealingly inexpert way, delivering their lines with a certain looseness which is a joy to behold. Amidst the powerful dialogue they shout out a few seemingly spontaneous ad-libs and occasionally wave to the audience.
Edward is simply riveting as Aston, particularly in Act 2 where he describes the terrible trauma of ECT he underwent in a psychiatric hospital. But it is John who carries the main burden as a superbly tormented Chatsky; you come away feeling the hero’s disgust springs from a genuine social and sexual idealism. The force of John’s remarkable acting transcends the mere erotic appeal that in music made him the fantasy of so many women. Read more
“State of your Face” Address by An Taoiseach Enda Kenny
Posted by Christopher Akabusi on December 20, 2011
Palestinians Condemn Israel For Not Sinking Boat Full Of Hippies, Politicians
Posted by Annifred Lydgate on November 5, 2011
The MV Saoirse off the coast of Gaza, where it remains controversially un-sunk.
The 14 of those on board included former Fianna Fáil TD Chris Andrews, Siptu official Mags O’Brien, artist Felim Egan, People Before Profit councillor in Dún Laoghaire Hugh Lewis and Sinn Féin councillors Pat Fitzgerald and John Hearne.
An Amnesty International spokesperson described the boarding of the ship as “disappointingly peaceful”, and added that it seemed the tactics employed by Israel today were designed to maximise feelings of hostility, not only amongst the people of Palestine, but also in the wider international sphere.
Events unfolded at about 2pm yesterday when The Irish Ship to Gaza Campaign received a message that the MV Saoirse was about to be boarded, and immediately called on the Irish Government to issue an urgent statement to the Israelis warning against any passengers aboard making it out alive.
A spokeswoman for the Israeli Embassy in Dublin described the Gaza-bound mission as a “provocative publicity stunt, serving only to waste valuable ammunition on Irish political has-beens”.
However, feelings on the ground in Gaza today were much different. One local was quoted as saying “I knew the Israelis were heartless but this is beyond reason. Why couldn’t they just kill them?” Read more
“I Can Manipulate Water With My Mind” Boasts Whelan
Posted by Christopher Akabusi on November 4, 2011
Marty Whelan has found himself hitting headlines once again with more outrageous claims that have become all to familiar to the Irish public.
While Dublin’s glitterati were in fine fettle for last night’s red carpet event in Dino’s Bar & Grill in aid of roundabout awareness, Marty seemed hell bent on causing a scene – first raising eyebrows on arrival – wearing only t-shirt and shorts.
Marty then paraded menacingly up and down the red carpet before snatching a mic from TV3’s Colette Fitzpatrick and announcing “I am the son of Poseidon, commander of the Eastern waves.”
“Water is my servant,” he went on. “By using only the power of my mind I can manipulate it anyway I desire.” Then to demonstrate his power, he threw a glass of sparkling water over Michelle Doherty. Read more
Áras 2011 Michael D Higgins Elected Ireland’s First Un-Dead President
Posted by Turlough Delaney on October 29, 2011
Michael D Higgins (1941-2011)
In doing so the veteran Galway politician will be the world’s first ever zombie elected as a head of state.
Tánaiste and Labour leader Eamon Gilmore was the first to offer Mr Higgins his congratulations:
“This is a special day for Ireland. Not only has the best candidate won, but we have sent out a message to the world that someone from the ranks of the undead can play a vital role in society – indeed be elected to the highest office in the land.”
“I’m really delighted for Michael. And I’m proud of the Irish people that they saw past his non-living disposition to see the qualities a zombie like himself could bring to the Áras.”
Mr Higgins won the election, not by getting the most votes, but by the fact that all six of his opponents unexpectedly died in the three days leading up to polling day, leaving him the last candidate standing.
In fact diminutive the poet and humanitarian himself died of old age during the live TV debate on RTÉ’s Frontline programme on Monday night.
While the other candidate went about attacking each others’ character, Mr Higgins’ corpse somehow became reanimated and subsequently attacked members of the audience in an attempt to devour their brains. Read more
Áras 2011 Gallagher Passes Away After Ecstasy-Fueled Blowout
Posted by Margaret Hamm on October 28, 2011
Seán Gallagher (1962-2011)
The body of the businessman and television personality was discovered this morning by Gardaí, who were responding to a noise complaint made by neighbours.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Gallagher’s death came about after consuming up to twelve ecstasy tablets while holding a rather premature victory celebration. He was 49.
The exact cause of death is believed to be water intoxication. Nobody else was found at the premises.
His passing now leaves Michael D. Higgins the sole candidate of what has been the most contentious presidential campaign in the state’s history.
Fellow Dragon’s Den judge Gavin Duffy told Gubuwire:
“It was an open secret around here that Seán loved a few yokes now and then. He got into it in the early 90’s. He used to love nothing better than to go home after a hard day’s graft, stick on his Scatman John tapes, and down a few yips to unwind. We all thought it was a phase he’d grown out of.”
Neighbour and amateur writer Thomas Duffy described the circumstances leading up to the discovery: “Summer had at last taken her final stuttering breath and October gleefully asserted itself, bringing chill rains that shook our sleepy neighbourhood…
“I was drawn from my study at midnight by a terrific howl, both terrifying and euphoric. Opening my front door I saw Mr Gallagher standing purposefully in his front garden, covered in a fine sheen of sweat.
“Seemingly oblivious to me, and to the blaring dance-pop coming from his house, he looked straight to the sky and began to scream ‘Calling out from Scatland, calling out from Scatman’s world’ over and over…”
Mr Gallagher is survived by several Dragons.
Áras 2011 Liver Failure Deemed The Cause Of McGuinness Death
Posted by Turlough Delaney on October 27, 2011
Martin McGuinness (1950-2011)
The 61-year old was discovered at his home in Derry this morning by one of his political aides, slumped in an armchair surrounded by five empty wine bottles.
Initial tests proved that Mr McGuinness had died of liver failure brought on by years of heavy alcohol abuse. Sinn Féin colleague Mary Lou McDonald paid tribute to the ex-IRA man:
“Martin was a great man and a true peacemaker. His death is a great blow to the party, but not a great shock I’m afraid to say.
“He was well known to be a heavy drinker for years. After he left the IRA in 1974 he told me he didn’t know what to do with himself, so he just stayed at home watching the news knocking back bottle after bottle of his favourite Cabernet Sauvignon .”
Mr McGuinness had admitted in past interviews he began drinking wine at an early age. When he became an alter boy at the age of 7 he would “regularly dip into the communal wine” when the priest wasn’t looking.
During his years as a an IRA volunteer he curbed his drinking to a degree but admitted he hit the bottle hard in the late 70s/early 80s.
The Deputy First Minister’s passing (along with Gay Mitchell, Mary Davis, David Norris and Dana) has further narrowed the field of living presidential candidates vying for the Áras in today’s vote.
Members of the public who have yet to vote are being told to cross off their names on the ballot paper and concentrate on the two remaining candidates, neither of whom were available for comment today.
In the North, Stormont was shut down for the day as a mark of respect. First Minister Peter Robinson was distraught on hearing the news:
“Why God? Why??!! Why did you take him, you bastard?! He was a beautiful man, the best….I renounce you God, I renounce you for this terrible injustice – and I vow to defile all images of you in defiance!”
Áras 2011 Mitchell, Davis Killed In Bizarre Sex Accident
Posted by Turlough Delaney on October 26, 2011
Mary Rooney Davis (1954-2011) and Gabriel ''Gay'' Mitchell (1951-2011)
Emergency services were called to the Davenport Hotel in Dublin’s Merrion Square at approximately 11.15am.
There they found Mr Mitchell hanging naked from the bathroom door frame with a snakeskin belt strapped around his neck. He had been dead for almost 30 minutes.
Ms Davis was found in the shower in a leather cat suit, with an “elaborate” electric sex toy in her hand, apparently electrocuted.
Gardaí said it had come to light that the two candidates had been involved in a number of “reckless, destructive” sexual encounters over the last three weeks.
“We are led to believe it started after the two became aquainted on the campaign trail. Both Ms Davis and Mr Mitchell were known to be recovering sex addicts, and it seems this affair brought out the worst deviant impulses in both of them.”
Preliminary tests on the bodies found copious amounts of alcohol, amphetamines and cocaine in their respective bloodstreams.
With the deaths of Dana Rosemary Scallon and David Norris yesterday, this leaves the presidential field down to only three functioning candidates – none of which were available for comment today.
However, Taoiseach Enda Kenny described today’s deaths as “terrible, but not much of a surprise”.
“It was well known Davis was total nympho. If it had a cock, she’d do it. How do you think she got on all those quangos? It wasn’t down to her administration skills anyway.
“And Gay? He totally didn’t live up to his name – I’ll tell ya that. Mad for the fanny. When he wasn’t seducing other men’s wives he was out there shagging hoors left, right and centre.”
