Economic News: Unemployment Level Reaches 30-Minute High
By Turlough Delaney on July 2, 2009
Some people who object to being
unemployed
Ireland’s official unemployment rate has reached its highest level in 30 minutes, according to the CSO’s latest Panicky National Survey.
The Central Statistics Office say almost 253,015 people were officially unemployed by 11.16 a.m. this morning, an increase of almost 0.004% since approximately 10.48 a.m.
This pushes the bi-hourly adjusted unemployment rate to 12.004%.
The new figure was accounted for by today’s closure of a building supplier in Carlow leaving 15 people jobless.
That meant the total number of people with jobs was down 0.0075%, or 15, between the last quarter of the 11th and the first quarter of the 12th hour this morning.
This broadly confirms the claim by the CSO that the construction sector was the worst hit during that half hour window of economic activity.
However, the education sector actually recorded an increase in the same time period, mostly due to the 11a.m. opening of a new language school in Galway city which is employing three people.
Consumer Confidence “Up”
A new survey by the Malevolence and Stupidity Research Institute has revealed that consumer confidence has actually increased in recent weeks despite the job losses and tax hikes.
Economist Aughden Hissop of the MRSI says Irish retailers are reporting a gradual return to Celtic Tiger-era levels of confident behaviour amongst people during their shopping trips. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
Five New ‘Man Flu’ Cases Reported In Pigs
By Turlough Delaney on June 29, 2009
A pig from a Co. Antrim farm has contracted Man flu according to reports.
The male pig, who was examined by a vet earlier today, was denied treatment and made to go back out foraging by his farmer Samuel Dunwoody.
The animal began snorting in discomfort after he and his fellow hogs were exposed to a man in the early hours of the morning.
A 22-year old youth had broken onto the farm and drunkenly ran around the sty for several minutes before being caught and ejected by the farmer’s son.
However none of the other pigs showed signs of ill-effect, leading Mr Dunwoody to believe that his stricken animal was only “playing up” its suffering.
Four other new cases of M1N1, or Man flu, have also been confirmed, bringing to 14 the total number of pigs overstating their symptoms in Northern Ireland.
The North’s Agriculture Minister Michelle Gildernew said she was confident the pigs in question had only the caught common cold and were merely looking for sympathy:
“Need I remind you that all five of them are male. And male pigs are notorious for exaggerating when they become sick. Certainly compared to their female counterparts anyway,” she said.
“Any farmer can tell you that the sows will go about their duties come hell or high water, while the boars will use any excuse to go back to bed… typical bloody men.”
Charlene McGonigle, Director of Swineherd Infection Control said she believed that the increase of Man flu cases in boars “would very likely” cause a similar rise in migraines among females “as they endure endless hypocritical whinging from the chauvinist male pigs”.
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
World In Mourning After Death of Farrah Fawcett
By Turlough Delaney on June 26, 2009
Farrah Fawcett, 1970s icon and hugely successful television star, died yesterday at the age of 62.
The US actress achieved global stardom appearing in the Charlie’s Angels TV series, and went on to cement her iconic status in a number of television dramas and stage roles.
Hundreds of people converged on the Los Angeles hospital where she was being treated as word spread that she had passed away.
Tributes from around the world have since poured in.
US President and famous fan Barack Obama gave his reaction:
He told reporters: “I am absolutely devastated since hearing this sad and tragic news.”
He said Fawcett “had it all – the charm, the talent, the dedication and of course, the looks.”
He added: “It’s like I’ve lost a loved one today, and part of my youth has gone with her.”
Oprah Winfrey, the TV presenter and friend of Fawcett for 30 years, called on people from around the world “to pray for Farrah and her family.”
Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei took time out from suppressing the popular uprising in his country to leave this message on Facebook:
“I am greatly saddened at the death of Farrah Fawcett. Like many men in the 1970s, I had the famous poster of her in the red bathing suit on my wall. I would often look to it for inspiration during our nation’s struggle against the hated Shah.”
Pop star Michael Jackson also paid his respects hours before his own death yesterday evening: “I am devastated to hear the news about Farrah Fawcett. I’ll never forget her as long as I live.”
Topics: Arts & Culture |
Date Set For Bernard Dunne-Paul Simon Fight In Croke Park
By Philip Collins on June 22, 2009
Bernard Dunne has announced the date for his long awaited bout with Paul Simon this summer, the two will square off in Croke Park on the 30th of August.
The announcement was made this afternoon at a press conference in Dublin’s Skylon Hotel in Drumcondra. And with both Dunne and Simon present, it was a very tense affair.
“I’ve been waiting for this fight for a long time, there’s a few things we need to sort out in the ring on August 30th,” remarked Dunne, in an unashamedly confrontational manner.
Simon was also talking tough: “I don’t have much time for this shit house country, I hate you Irish bugs, so I’ll be back here next August to beat your champ, take his belt and be on the next flight home.”
The two have been trying to organise a head-to-head for several years now, however with contractual obligations with other fighters, the date has remained in limbo, that is until today.
The bad blood between the pair has dated back to Dunne’s 2005 fight with Yuri Voronin in the National Stadium. Simon was ringside for that fight, and Dunne claims that as he was celebrating his victory Simon threw his ‘wank sock’ at him shouting: “I pissed on your Ma’s dick.”
Simon denied the claims: “I’m a fucking Jew, it’s against my deeply held religious beliefs to own a wank sock”. Instead he alleged Dunne started the feud when he refused to introduce Simon to his childhood hero Bertie Ahern.
Whatever the cause of the disagreement, one thing is for sure, the fight is sure to be a box office hit, with Paul Simon’s management team originally demanding that the fight take place in Caeser’s Palace in Las Vegas.
However the Dunne crew pulled off a major coup by securing Croke Park as the venue for the fight. Already dubbed “the Corker in Croker” by the press - Sky, who won the exclusive television rights to the fight, are going with “The Jew vs. The Mick”.
Simon is said to be training since last month for the fight, where as Dunne has announced that he will commence training next week. Paddy Power have given Simon 5000/1 to win the fight as he’s 67 years old.
Topics: Sport |
PC Thugs Forcibly Prevent Romanian Families From Leaving Northern Ireland
By Turlough Delaney on June 17, 2009
A Romanian woman and her child aggressively pursued by
the liberal media
A number of Romanian families planning to leave Northern Ireland have been intimidated into staying by a gang of anti-racist activists.
The gang terrorised pregnant women and children by overturning tables and chairs and seizing their luggage in Belfast’s George Best Airport today.
The families had intended to board a flight back to Romania and leave Belfast for good after they had been forced to flee their homes in the city due a series of racist attacks.
However they were blocked from checking in at the airport by a group of anti-racists - including prominent politicians, community workers and officials from statutory agencies - who desperately want the families not to give in to bigotry.
A witness described how a crowd of aggressive do-gooders surrounded the families at the check-in terminal and prevailed upon them not to return to their homeland.
When the Romanians refused their pleas, members of the group seized their belongings and ran off, while others began throwing chairs at airport staff and security who attempted to intervene.
The disturbances resulted in the the families missing their intended flight. They were then temporarily moved to an isolated area of the airport where they were given food and provisions as they wait for the next scheduled flight.
It is reported that among the gang’s numbers was Northern Ireland’s Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness and Junior Minister Jeffrey Donaldson. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
Benitez: “I’m Selling Torres To Man Utd… In The Letting On Days”
By Philip Collins on June 15, 2009
Topics: News-In-Pictures |
Bubbles’ Book Claims Jackon Is A ‘Dadaist Comedian’
By Christopher Akabusi on June 12, 2009
Le Carré and Jackson in happier times.
Over 300 biographies hit Irish book shelves every year, and with controversy the primary weapon weilded by publicists, we have long become accustomed to the obligatory tabloid frenzy surrounding the release of the latest celebrity tell-all.
This week sees the release of Hard Crackers, the life story of Bubbles Jackson (real name Rolf le Carré) pet chimp of troubled singer Michael Jackson. Currently being serialised by the New Yorker, it has proved to be an explosive insight into the life of the world’s most renowned animal side kick.
Hard Crackers is one of a number of celebrity pets exposés which have been rushed out in the wake of the success of Me Cheeta by Tarzan’s famous chimp side kick. Due out later this month is Red Mist the autobiography of Roy Keane’s pet Labrador Triggs, ghostwritten by Eamon Dunphy.
The news that Bubbles was publishing his autobiography had initially raised little interest, and was even temporally endorsed by the Jackson camp. However, as its release date approached the media smelled blood. As quotes and allegations began to fly Wacko and his people closed ranks.
The controversy began when a number of the book’s allegations were leaked to the press in the weeks leading up to its publication.
Bubbles claims in the book that Jackson tried to kill himself on as many as five occasions in the past. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Arts & Culture |
Gilmore Adds ‘Invasion of Vatican’ To Labour Manifesto
By Turlough Delaney on June 9, 2009
Eamon ‘the Goer’ Gilmore
The Irish people are angry and want their political leaders to seek vengeance on the Catholic Church, says Labour Party leader Eamon Gilmore.
Officially launching the new invasion policy at a press conference today, Mr Gilmore said the country was “…dealing with a terrible trauma from the past and the only way to truly purge ourselves of the pain was through bloody retribution”.
“There is an international factor to what was revealed in the Ryan report that the present government is unwilling to confront. The fact is the crimes that occurred in those religious institutions were perpetrated by those under the control of a pernicious foreign regime – the Vatican.”
Bouyed by Labour’s success in Friday’s local and European elections Mr Gilmore took the opportunity to denounce the Taoiseach’s handling of the matter: “All Brian Cowen has done is demand more financial reparations from the religious orders who ran these rape camps – but I would expect nothing less from a collaborator like him…
“We demand more than that however – we demand blood.”
When asked if his policy proposals were not too extreme, Mr Gilmore replied: “Not at all. What would you do if you discovered someone had sexually abused your child? You’d murder the cunt, wouldn’t you?
He claimed of those people he met on the doorsteps during this election campaign the main issue that concerned them was “how to get back at them Catholic bastards”.
Mr Gilmore insisted that “no matter how long ago this had happened or how great a distance the enemy’s state is from Ireland, the indifference of the Papal dictatorship to the crimes of their agents against innocent Irish children can no longer go unavenged”. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Domestic Affairs |
Queen Elizabeth Resigns In Ongoing Expenses Row
By Turlough Delaney on June 5, 2009
Further pressure was piled on Prime Minister Gordon Brown last night as Queen Elizabeth II shockingly announced she was quitting her position as British head of state.
According to a Palace spokesman, the Queen was stepping down for the sake of her reputation following a row over expenses.
Elizabeth Windsor (83) was criticised after it was reported she had claimed expenses on the refurbishment of a sixth home.
Further revelations stoked the anger of the British people and made her position untenable.
It is now publicly known that all her purchases and activities (which had run into the tens of millions) since her accession in 1952 had come at the British taxpayers’ expense.
Last year the Queen claimed costs in the refurbishment of Sandringham House, while also claiming for the continued upkeep of Buckingham Palace, Windsor Palace, St James Palace, the Palace of Holyroodhouse and Balmoral Castle.
The ex-monarch is now the highest profile figure implicated in an expense scandal that has swept through the British establishment over the last few weeks.
Her resignation couldn’t have come at a worse time for Mr Brown, coinciding as it does with Labour’s rout in Thursday’s local and European elections.
Although Prince Charles was expected to replace his mother as heir apparent, rumours suggest that a Royal family reshuffle is on the cards with the more media-friendly Prince William tipped to take the top job instead.
Topics: International Affairs |
Bitter Cowen Applies For RTE Economics Correspondent Position
By Turlough Delaney on June 3, 2009
Topics: News-In-Pictures |
